


We Said Goodbye to Forever

by MagicMight



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Cutting, Dark, Death, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorder, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Female!Remus - Freeform, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Swapping, Guilt, Hogwart's, Illegal Activities, Jealousy, Kinks, Loss, Love, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Mental Illness, OCD, PTSD, Pain, Post-Hogwart's, Protectiveness, Rape/Non-con Elements, Relationship(s), Self-Mutilation, Slow Burn, Smoking, Sort Of, Suicide, Toxic Relationship, Trauma, Triggers, Underage - Freeform, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, War, War-Centric, Werewolf, spells, toxic, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-12-31 08:26:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMight/pseuds/MagicMight
Summary: It's the Marauders 7th year. Things are dark and getting darker. The war is no longer a far away threat, but a real one taking its toll on the entirety of the Wizarding World. Join them as they navigate light and dark, the changing allegiance of friends, and the angst of life in between. This story is writing itself, bare with me. Remus is a female in this story and consequently named "Renata," who will have more of an important role throughout the war.Angst and pain forever, guys. Have at it.





	1. The Train Ride is Just the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, Chapter 1 officially!
> 
> All credit for the characters and their world as well as some general plot tidbits belong to the illustrious J.K. Rowling. I am not profiting off of this story in any way, merely stretching my muses as they come to me. 
> 
> Alright guys, here goes nothing. My first take at a Marauders story--it's writing itself so, bare with me! Expect heavy angst and pain. Seriously. The tags aren't just for fun. If you're easily triggered or looking for endless fluff and love, this story isn't for you. We all know what happened to the Marauders. Essentially...this isn't changing. You've been formally warned.
> 
> I took the liberty of making Remus a girl instead. Say hello to Renata Lupin! Different, I know. But is it really? 
> 
> If you want some visual aid, Kassi Smith (a model) is the face I'm using for Renata. She's stunning, look her up!
> 
> This story takes place in seventh year, though I will likely do a time jump to after Hogwarts in order to explore more war-centric plots!
> 
> Happy reading.

Renata shifted her shoulder bag gingerly from one side to the other and did her best not to wince as she and her parents made their way through the commotion that was nine and three-quarters. If her father noticed any discomfort, he'd insist she stay at home an extra day or two before heading back to Hogwarts. And if her mother noticed, she'd burst into tears and cause a scene. Neither of which scenario were appealing at the moment. All she wanted was to get back to school, settle in, and be with those who didn't treat her as if she was broken glass. She did have to reason with her parents, however. 

The full moon had been a bad one.

Without Sirius, James, and Peter, Renata had struggled more than usual. 

Sirius and James had managed to come round for the first two of the summer, while Peter had been caught up with his mother on holiday. For the third, Peter had tried to make arrangements with the others to floo over but the Potter's and their honorary _second son_ had been on Holiday in Aspen. It wouldn't have made any sense for Peter to cower as a mouse in the corner of the Lupin's cellar, so she'd braved the final moon of the summer alone.

Frankly, Renata was glad no one had been around to see her tearing herself to bits. And, besides, they would have more than enough time to charge around together during the year. 

She dressed loosely in her favorite jumper (one she'd stolen from her father years ago). Worn and oversized so the sleeves came past her hands and covered the nervous wreck that she'd unleashed on her finger nails. It was a nasty habit but, when she was lost in her thoughts, it was the only thing that kept her grounded. Or something like it.

"Now, love, don't hesitate to write us if you want to come home--" Hope started tearfully, just before she throws her arms around her daughter tightly, causing Renata to grit her teeth in discomfort.

"I know, mum, you say this every year. I promise, I'll be fine, and hols will be around before you know it!" She insists kindly and presses a kiss to her mother's cheek before turning to Lyall, who smiles warmly.

Warmly enough anyway. Renata knew he was always more guilt ridden after full moons. He still blamed himself after all these years for the twisted revenge-plan of a sadistic mad man, "Write soon, darling," he told her quietly, to which she nodded, feeling choked up herself. No matter how often she swore to him she had never blamed him for a second, her father was hell-bent on letting her and the rest of the world know that this was "his fault". He'd been well-outspoken in the ministry, calling for Fenrir Greyback's death. Consequently, Greyback had set his mind on revenge. 

The memory felt almost foreign now. She could barely remember her father driving the werewolf off. What she remembered instead were his sobs and the tightness with which he held her. The sadness with which he looked upon her during every physician's appointment when they were told there  _would never be a cure_.

 _Dad is always hardest to let go of,_  she thinks to herself before they release one another and she bids them both her love. As she steps onto the train, she's jostled sharply by a group of first years giggling as they race one another to the bathrooms to change their robes. She smiles warmly, distracted by the innocence of it all. She didn't think she had ever been that carefree in her entire life. Until, of course, she met the Marauders.

"Oi, Renny!" 

Renata turns at the familiar voice and even more selective nickname, "Padfoot," she smiles warmly and they hug gingerly, Sirius careful not to put too much pressure on her back and shoulders, for they always ached worse than the rest of her--not to mention her bandages would need changing as she could feel her wounds had opened after her parents ferocious hugging. He must've noticed her exhaustion, for he said nothing as he guided her gingerly with a hand barely-there at the small of her back and led her into a compartment.

She was grateful to see it was empty, meaning they had a few moments to themselves. She never had to worry about keeping up the ruse around Sirius. He reached gently to take her chin in his hand which wouldn't allow her to break eye contact, "This one was bad," it wasn't a question, Sirius could always tell.

"No worse then--"

"--then bleeding through your jumper?"

She started and reached up to her shoulder self-consciously, only to see Sirius was smirking and his eyebrow was quirked devilishly, "You mutt!" She teased and aimed a swatter at his side, but allowed Sirius to take her bag from her shoulder and pull the loose neck of her jumper out enough for him to have a look, "I have to change them," she tried quietly, as if to ease his concern, "Mum and da' were a bit aggressive in their goodbyes," she meant to sound as if she were teasing, but something about his reaction told her she fell flat.

"I've got it," he assured her and was quick to pull the necessary supplies from her pack. She lifted the back of her sweater and held it as he set to work with nimble, practiced fingers. Renata was struck with sadness as she realized his skill at bandaging injury was not solely due to her frequent wounds as a werewolf, but to Sirius's own as a  _Black_.

As if to pull her mind from it, she says: "What would James and Peter think if--"

If she didn't know any better, she would've assumed that their names were taboo, for as soon as they left her lips, the compartment door slid open and the two barreled in, James looking put-out and Peter cajoling what was undoubtedly another rejection. _Not taboo, just purely terrible timing_.

"How are we going to marry if she doesn't even want to spend time with me? We're head boy and girl!" James whined. He might've continued on, but the sight before his eyes was far too distracting. There she was, hunched slightly to keep the back of her jumper above her shoulders and closer to her neck, while Sirius was carefully pulling the wrappings from her skin. Peter's jaw had nearly hit the floor, and James pointedly blinked twice, "Hope we're not interrupting--" he began with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Renata aimed at him with a kick, but he had moved just out of reach, "What would sweet  _Lenny_ say if he could see this daring scene, oh?" James snickered and, this time, Sirius's elbow collided with his ribs in a very satisfying way.

"Piss off, Prongs," Sirius muttered, focusing at the task at hand. Renata was infinitely grateful that her hair covered the flush on her cheeks. _Lenny_ , or rather, Lennox Edgecombe, her "sort of" boyfriend, would not be thrilled by the sight at all. He was skeptical of her relationship with the Marauder's in general and much preferred she hung out with Lily, Dorcas, and Alice. Even he drew the line at the rambunctious musings of Marlene Mckinnon--who Renata was admittedly the closest with. Aside from the boys.

Once Sirius had finished, he reached to help tug her jumper more appropriately into place and she thanked him quietly with a brief moment of meaningful eye contact, "Speaking of," she started quietly and turned for the door, "I should find him before--"

"Before he gets angry with you and tries to convince you to leave us forever?" Peter, rash and tactless as ever. He means well but sometimes, he's a bleeding fool. At least, she tries internally, he says the obvious things that a person shouldn't say and makes them all equally uncomfortable, not just her. She doesn't answer, but in the reflection of the glass she can see James smacking Peter upside the head, and Sirius glaring sharply after her.

Renata chewed her bottom lip as she peered through compartment doors, searching for Lennox. They'd only started dating two months before school ended. He was a Ravenclaw. Smart (if not a bit of a know it all), assertive (yet gently so), possessive and protective (in a way she felt was sweet as opposed to domineering). She'd visited him for a few days over the summer, as had he visited her (though her father had refused to allow him to stay the night). He'd never had that reservation with the boys before. He'd even helped James, Sirius, and Peter set up a floor fort in her bedroom the years prior.

Part of her knew it was the ridiculous way with which James and Sirius were able to charm others and talk their way both into and out of a variety of situations. Another part of her knew that her father unfailingly trusted the boys and admired their acceptance of her Lycanthropy. The fact that they had stood by her all this time has warmed the Lupin's hearts. All they'd wanted was for Renata to have a "normal life". The Marauders had brought her the happiness they'd been afraid she wouldn't find.

She'd looked throughout the entire train but couldn't find him--she did, however, find Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and Alice in their own compartment with their heads bent together.

"What's James gone and done now?" She asked casually as she leaned against the compartment's open door with a warm smile, brightening further once they realized who it was exactly, who had interrupted their gossiping. They all moved forward and she embraced each one in turn, feeling terribly guilty that she hadn't made more of a concerted effort to see them over the summer. Not one of the girls seemed to mind it all, as they pulled her to sit down with them.

"He really doesn't seem so awful this year, Lils," Marlene commented with a shrug as she filed her nails. Alice scrunched up her face and nodded in agreement despite the look of betrayal that flashed briefly across Lily's features. Dorcas snickered behind her hand and dropped her head in Renata's lap carelessly.

Renny hesitated only for a moment. Even after all these years the casualty with which her group of friends made physical contact was mildly unsettling. She was often stiff and rigid under the touch of other's from the lingering assumptions of doctors and Ministry officials that had been in and out of her life when she was younger. Even her parents had, at first, been so cautious with her--afraid. 

Sirius was himself, unstoppably affectionate. His arm was always thrown around one of their shoulders, leaving the lasting impression that he needed constant support otherwise he'd collapse from the "weight of his ego," as Marlene had once put it with a sigh of admiration. 

The McKinnons and Blacks had grown up in high society together. Though, Marlene had been happy to note upon her 3rd year that her parents had finally withdrawn from the nonsense of Pureblood Supremacy that leaked like poison through the ranks of Purebloods. For Renata, she most enjoyed the stories of an overzealous young-Sirius, running under the skirts of older women and hiding from his parents wrath. It seemed he'd never really been one for any sort propriety.

Renata dropped her hands to Dorcas's long, dark tresses and began to braid a few pieces together as the girls continued on about James.

"What say you, Ren?" Alice chirped airily, her spiky brown pixie-cut framing her face, making her look more like a fairy than she usually did.

Renata mulled it over, "James acts like an idiot when he's around you, it's true--but that's because he's nervous for you to like him. When he's more comfortable he's a completely different guy. He's really quite kind. Surprisingly thoughtful. And you've all got to admit he's a handsome bloke," Renata told them all, as if she hadn't said this to Lily a hundred times before. It wasn't until she saw the pitying look on Lily's face that she realized they'd been joined by another who lingered by the door.

Lennox.

"Hope I'm not interrupting," he muttered, his face flushed with annoyance that might have dance with embarrassment as he spun away and retreated. 

"I should go fix that," Renata sighed softly, expecting Dorcas to move. When she didn't, Renny fixed her with a curious look, "What?" As the others exchanged knowing looks, Renata started to feel herself bristling uncomfortably, "What?" She repeated with a more firm demand in her tone. It was Marlene who spoke then, more measured and thoughtful than Renata could remember ever have hearing her speak before.

"Is everything alright with you and Edgecombe, Ren?"

"What do you mean? Why wouldn't it be?" 

"It's just," Lily sighed, "Everytime we see him, since last year and well, now, I mean, he's angry or annoyed at your for something. And he tries to dictate who you can spend time with--" she blurted and her confidence spurred the other girls on, even Alice, who was typically more mild-mannered like she was.

"We just worry he's not making you happy and...if it continues like this, I don't know, Ren--I've heard stories about him," Alice's voice was barely a whisper.

"Stories," Renny repeated drily, a spike of anger catching her off guard. Had they not thought to tell her this before?

Dorcas sat up quickly and took her hands in her own, "Nothing too awful...and we just thought it would fizzle out and--but it's gotten so much more serious than that. Peter said you stayed 'round his this summer and, well, you didn't even tell any of us! And he was at yours, but we didn't see you at all." 

Renata couldn't tell if Dorcas was implying that she had intentionally been trying to hide the time she spent with Lennox because she "knew" it wasn't the best of relationship, or if Dorcas was letting her know that the lot of them were hurt by her lack of effort to visit during the holiday, "I am sorry I couldn't come see you guys, really, I am. But Lennox and I are fine. And I really would appreciate it if you came to me with our concerns instead of gossiping about them amongst one another," her words did not come off unkindly, but they were firm. She was resolute in her decision and had grown far more of a backbone these pet few years surrounded by such bright and loud personalities. Gently, she pulled her hands from Dorcas and left with a stiff smile to find Lenny.

Admittedly, she felt nervous but tried to squash the discomfort in the pit of her stomach. This was her boyfriend! What the girls thought or said was irrelevant, wasn't it? Renata pulled open his compartment door at last where he sat with some of his own friends looking rather removed from the conversation.

"Len?" She tried, "Come talk to me, would you?" She offered gently and waited what felt like an eternity.

"I don't think I will."

She felt as if she had been slapped and quite literally found herself stepping backwards in shock, "You--what?" the hurt and confusion was evident in her tone and the other shifted uncomfortably, caught between their tension. When he merely shrugged, Renata felt her temper flare again, as it was want to in the days before and following a transformation. She stepped into the compartment and directed her attention on Han Chang, Edgar Bones, and Domnall Goldstein, "Give us a moment," There was an obvious edge to her voice that left them no room to object. Within seconds the three had left the compartment and she closed the door behind them, far harder than she needed to, "What's your problem, Lennox?"

"My problem? Mine?" He spat back with a snort, "I'm so excited to see my girlfriend and I find her gushing over James-bloody-Potter! I must've missed the bit where you gushed over Sirius Black as well, right?"

Her face twisted with fury and disappointment, "How dare you, they're my friends, Len, best friends!"

"Not anymore, they aren't. I won't have my girlfriend talking about how handsome her 'best friends' are--such a load of bollocks, Dom said you were a slag, running around with guys all the time--" he'd gotten to his feet but she refused to be cowed.

"I won't let you talk to me this way, you're angry, I get that, but calling me a whore and dictating who I'm able to be friends with? You're behaving like a child. Maybe we'll just talk later once you've calmed down--" She turned to the compartment door and had managed to slide it open just an inch when she felt his hand close painfully tight around her wrist. When she turned back to face him and protest, he yanked her closer, "Lennox, let go--"

"You can't walk away from me when we're in the middle--"

"You didn't even want to speak with me!"

"Well, now I want to finish this conversation."

"You're hurting me, let go. I'm not speaking to about this until you've calmed down and can act rationally," She insisted in an even tone and tried to tug her wrist free where her skin (tender as ever after the moon) was, no doubt, bruising.

Something flashed in his eyes, be it remorse or pity, he let her go with a shove of his arm just as the train lurched and sent her with more force then had been intended towards the compartment door. She clattered against it sharply and lost her footing. As she scrambled for purchase against the sliding frame she felt herself flail and knew all hope was lost as she fell into the corridor and landed sharply on her elbows with a cry that was more out of shock than actual pain.

"Ren!" He shouted, shock and surprise written on his face as he realized what he'd done, by way of the express that had suddenly lurched to a halt, "I never meant, I'm so sorry--"

"You--I--" she couldn't find the words, but suddenly found she didn't need to as a number of heads looked out into the corridor to investigate, not their commotion, but what was happening with the train. She looked down the hall, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment as others began to spot her on the ground as well. 

Sirius was there in an instant, followed by James and Marlene who was glaring daggers at a guilt-ridden Lennox, "What did you do?" Sirius hissed, the sharpness of his features was lined impressively so with an air of Toujors Pur and retaliation fit for the canine underneath.

"I didn't--"

"It was the train," Renata spoke, her voice cutting through the rising suspicion of her friends, "It caught me off guard and I lost my balance," she couldn't tell if they believed her, all she knew was that Lenny was helping her to her feet in place of Sirius who had been brushed aside by Len's strong hands, "Why have we stopped?" She asked next, looking among them for an answer and a desperate distraction. As Marlene opened her mouth to protest, Renata fixed her with a cold stare and the girls words were lost in her throat.

 The train gave another unpleasant lurch and somewhere down at the other end someone screamed. 

"Everyone but 7th year, back in your compartments!" James shouted, starting at a run to the other end of the train. Lily followed him immediately, and more screams of fear followed them.

Lennox had taken her hand then to pull her back into his compartment but she brushed him off and pulled her wand from her jeans, an unsettled feeling rooted in her chest. She could smell it in the air, something awful--

\--and there they were.

Standing at the front of the train, four masked, cloaked men. And another, who wore no mask at all.

Fenrir Greyback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's that for a first chapter?! Let me know what you think--should I continue?


	2. Close to Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual disclaimers apply, happy reading guys!
> 
> Don't forget to let me know what you think--this is a bit out of my comfort zone and I'm desperate for feedback.

A guttural snarl tore from Renata's chest. Her lip curled, baring teeth that would have been sharp and razor-like, had it been only two days ago. She knew the instinct was primal, that she could sense the presence of another werewolf (even in human form). And, not only that, but it was the one who had made her this way. In Fenrir's mangy, _nasty_ paws was a squirming, struggling boy who couldn't have been older than thirteen, if that. There were fat tears rolling down his cheeks but his cries were soundless. She felt a lurching sensation in her stomach, not much different than that of the suddenly stopping train. If he was bitten...would he turn into one of... _us?_ , the thought came so bitterly she felt herself compelled to move. To do something. To _stop_ him.

There was a primal part of her that felt grossly drawn to Greyback, and it briefly crossed her mind that, because he was the one who had turned her, he might hold some sort of power over her, not for her lack of trying to ignore or fight it. But merely because it was a signature in her blood. He had bitten her and turned her into a werewolf. The reason she experience every Full in such excruciating pain was because of this fucking bastard, and he seemed to be threatening to do it to another. Despite the fact that he might be her... _Alpha_ or _Pack Leader_ (for lack of a better term) did nothing to sway her away from the intense feelings of absolute disgust.

"Renata!" Someone shouted after her as she elbowed her way through the last of the crowd cowering before the masked men; she paid no attention to whomever it was trying to stop her. She would not be stopped. There was a terrifyingly wolfish quality to her features and a cruelty coursing through her veins that she knew not. It was unlike anything she had ever felt before. Not even when she'd heard her father asking her mother if it was _fair_ to subject her to a life like _this_ , that maybe they had forseen a better life for themselves without her. And it was this fucking twat, sneering at her with a cruel smirk that had made her this way and launched their family into this unforgiving position.

"Drop him, Greyback!" She commanded, her wand raised threateningly. One of the masked men also made to raise his wand but another quelled his movement with a gesture as simple as holding out a hand--the gesture did not go unnoticed. He, the one in the center, was undoubtedly the leader of their group, "You won't hurt anyone here today. Dumbledore is on his way and no doubt alerted the Aurors--" the lie left her lips before she could stop herself. She wanted them to go, she wanted them to be as terrified as the rest of them were. Only _children_ , even at seventeen...how could any of them be a match for fully grown, dark wizards...and one maniacal werewolf?

The men did not seem to care for her threats as one of them laughed at something low and indecipherable said by Greyback. The hair on the back of her neck bristled, she was sure it was about her.

The man was horrid. Even though he looked human, the putrid smell and animalistic notions that leaked from him were threatening. There was a blood-lust about him that only strengthened as he stepped forward with the boy raised a foot off of the ground by the back of his robes. The child looked horrified, but there was a painful sort of hopeful-desperation in his eyes as they fell on her, standing so defiantly in the face of terror. She had to save him and, the way he was looking at her, he knew that she had to as well. She couldn't let him down--she wouldn't, "Oh my, you pretty little one. I remember you--" before he could go on with his taunts and jeers, she flicked her wand and sent a stinging jinx at his chest and a mild lacerating hex at the arm with which he had imprisoned the boy. As he cried out in shock, first from the pain in his chest, followed by the sharp slicing in his arm, the child was able to wiggle free and fell sharply to his knees.

Renata lunged and grabbed the boy by the hand before any of the other men could make a move and shoved him behind her protectively. Even the split second in which she'd turned her back to see that the boy had fallen into kind, nurturing hands, ( _Yes, Alice, good_ ) left her stupidly vulnerable. Fenrir stepped up to her next, and she fought off the urge to cower. He had already done his worst to her. She wasn't scared of him--but, Merlin, she was, oh Gods, she was. She felt the inane urge to pray, as her mother had prayed with her when she was little, as if Catholic Gods had any sway here in the face of demons.  

Instead of rage in his features, there was pure lust and he looked...entertained by this. The werewolf reached with one finger to swipe the blood leaking from his arm and pressed it to his lips for a taste with an obscene flick of his tongue. The last of Renata's bravery faltered and she took a hesitant step back, but he simply stepped closer and grabbed her by the front of her sweater, soiling it with his sick touch, "Want a taste, pretty one? Just after the moon, the bloodlust is insatiable, isn't it? Might be mine is _just_ what you _desire_ ," his words slid like black tar from his lips and through her ears, she felt her stomach turn again and realized there was a suggestive lilt to his voice, as if he was trying to suggest that this might be _sensual_. She turned her head away in disgust, unable to even feel relieved that his words were growled only low enough for her to hear.

Renata struggled then and reached to shove a strong arm at his chest. Despite the strength she had left after the moon, he'd been at this for longer and he was markedly stronger than she was, "Get the fuck off me you _beast_ \--" she started venomously, hoping to spur something other than this terrifying humor he was exhibiting. She felt like his _toy_. Her father's voice flickered through her head:

_Utterly insane, beyond saving. There's never been a more malicious werewolf than he. Put to death, he should be. We confiscated him of his wand but it hasn't seemed to stop him._

"Renata Lupin, I should've known you'd have grown to be a feisty _she_ -wolf," his mouth was still level with her ear and she knew his words were not quiet for her benefit, but for his own. He wanted her skin to crawl. Even the heat of his breath was malicious and provoked in her the urge to retch. Someone shrieked in the background and she was painfully aware that it was Dorcas. She made to pull away again but he caught her jaw in one hand and she winced as his grubby, dirt-thickened fingernails cut into her skin, drawing blood, "My, my, you _smell de_ lectable," he growled and, a cry of protest left her lips as his tongue raked over the pinpricks of blood that had escaped from his scratches upon her skin. Without a second thought she pointed her wand at his stomach and thought with utmost despair _Bombarda._ It was not strong enough to make him _explode_ as she was want to, but it was enough to set her free.

The beast was blasted off his feet and back into one of the others who shouted their displeasure and shoved the wolf off of themselves.

" _Have_ you had enough fun yet, Greyback?" The masked man at the head of their group sounded bored and disgusted with the display, " _This_ is not what the Dark Lord sent us for." 

The voice was cold and cruel and she couldn't pin it to anyone she knew, but she swore it sounded familiar. It looked as if the werewolf might go after her again, but the man in the front held up a hand to stop him...and perhaps to stop the commotion that had begun to rise from the students. Hands were on her then, strong and firm but utterly gentle as they yanked her back into the protection of a crowd. James, Sirius, and Frank stood before her and the others. She was vaguely aware of Lily and Marlene tending to her whereas Alice had somehow managed to calm the sobbing boy previously in Greyback's clutches. Dorcas was clinging to Peter's hand with his chest puffed out bravely.

"Tell us what you've come for and go, we want no trouble--but we won't let you hurt one of our own," Sirius spoke with surprising resiliency, with the aura of someone who had grown up used to others obeying commands. But there was authority in his voice, something cold and unforgiving. A trait he had no doubt been taught by Orion and Walpurga. To the rest of the train, it did not sound like an order you could simply choose to ignore.

"Oh-ho, Sirius Black. Might be you'll be able to work your way back into your family's good graces after all," Sirius visibly stiffened and his wand slid from his sleeve to his palm, "Alas, we have merely come to extend an informal invitation to join the winning side of war."

There was a murmur of shock that reverberated through the train, students old and young alike could hear the words booming around them. 

"The Dark Lord will make himself known, and all we require for membership is that you simply _ask_. In due time, dear children."

At that, they apparated, but not before Fenrir howled. 

"I'll come for you, my _sweet_ girl."

Renata didn't need to be told the message was meant for her.

The train seemed to rumble to a start on its own; Lily and James gathered the other prefects in order to make rounds and calm flustered students. Renata was hardly of sound mind as she was ushered into a compartment by Sirius and Peter. The door was closed in Lennox's crestfallen face, locked, and silenced so they might speak freely. Peter was smug as he drew the screen to cover them as well.

"Are you insane?!" Sirius started in and helped Renata into a seat, "Peter, chocolate--" ever handy, he had some in the pocket of his robes and thrust it helpfully at Renata. She took it gratefully and nibbled a corner. Her nerves calmed slightly, but she couldn't get rid of the trembling in her hands and shoulders, "Merlin's _fucking_ dick, Renny, I thought--" Sirius let out a trembling sigh of his own and wrapped an arm around her shoulder's, unable to even find it in herself to comment of Sirius's typical colorful choice of words. She didn't know when exactly Peter left the compartment only that Sirius pulled her fully into his arms and she felt the tears pricking the corners of her eyes, "And the way that he _touched_ you--" she wasn't even taken aback by the anger in Sirius's tone. She felt filthy. Tainted even more than Fenrir had tainted her before. _Don't cry, don't you dare_ , she told herself, even as the first tear fell to Sirius's shirt.

As her shoulders shook and Sirius held her tightly to his chest, the steady beat of his heart eventually lulled her into a calmer state of mind. When she finally pulled away, Sirius watched her closely. She knew he wanted an explanation, "I--fuck, Sirius, he...I thought he was going to hurt that poor boy and...I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't let that m-monster bite him," even if she didn't think the boy would've been infected by Fenrir in his human form, it was too much of a risk. And even seeing the boy being man-handled like that..."He's the... _he_ bit me. Fenrir Greyback. He's the reason I'm--" Renata cut herself off, unable to say it. She'd never told her friends that before. It hadn't been important in the scheme of things and she never thought she'd be exposed to him again. They sat in tense silence as Sirius recognized the gravity of the situation.

"I wish I'd killed him," Renata didn't have to speak to let Sirius know she wished she had killed him too, "Let me fix you up, your bleeding still."

She reached up with a jerk of her arm, "Oh, gods--" she could still feel his tongue on her skin, but Sirius's eyes had narrowed instead on the cuff of bruises around her wrist. As pale as she was (both naturally and after everything that had happened) they stuck out like smudges of charcoal on canvas.

"Edgecombe." The look in his eyes and the tone in his voice made her realize that this wasn't a question. Not at all. As Sirius made to stand in a furious flurry of robes, Renata clung to his arm. The anger towards Lennox felt different somehow compared to the murderous intent he'd previously expressed. It still felt quite as deadly, however, and this was the last thing she needed today. She'd talk to Lenny, she'd be able to sort it out on her own and, if she had to leave him then she _would_ , but he'd only made a mistake. They could work on it and talk it out together, she knew they could.

"Stop it, Padfoot, now. I bruise easily after the Full, you know that. We'd had an argument and I was going to walk out on him, he grabbed my arm the same way I've got yours now," Renata blurted, the lie spilled seamlessly from her lips, urgent to protect an unsuspecting Lenny who's pride was already wounded, "Please, we've all had enough of this day already, let's just get back to Hogwarts and find the Headmaster so we can tell him what happened here. This, them showing up here, on the train? That was a _threat_ , Sirius.  They're recruiting for whatever this Dark Lord wants." The unspoken 'we can't let this happen' passed between them and, at long last, he removed the charms on the door and sat quietly beside Renata who dropped her forehead against the cool window pane while the others filed in. The Dark Lord, they had called him, was undoubtedly trying to inspire fear in the Wizarding World. If they feared him, they would join him, simply to stay out of his path-- _Better to be feared than loved,_...Machiavelli, she thought she remembered from summer school a few years back, as her mother had wanted her to keep up with a muggle education...should she wish to pursue a job in the muggle world.

Or, rather, when she needed to.

Somewhere not long after she drifted to sleep, but not before her thoughts had spun and whirled every terrible possibility. What if the war _was_ lost to...these masked men and their so-called _Dark Lord_. Would it be that she and the rest of those who were not _Pure_ would be...disposed of? Forced into slavery? What would it mean for those who refused to bend to this mad-man? And...for _muggles?_. If she kept on with it, she was sure her brain would short-circuit, so, instead, she forced herself to breathe deeply and tune everything else out.

It didn't stop the others from discussing it, though.

Sirius listened without offering up a word to their theories. They hadn't known that Renny had that sort of fearless fire in her. He tried not to be smug over the fact that he _did know_ the level of bravery, courage, and stubbornness she possessed. She was incredible in every sense of the word. Perhaps she wasn't as loud and _in your face_ about it, much like he and James were, but she was a ruthless force of nature, power to be reckoned with, and he would forever admire the ferocity in her that bubbled just beneath the surface, dormant. _Controlled_. He lived for those moments in which she lost control, in where he could look at her and recognize that she felt free. Much like when they were running through the Forbidden Forest during the Full Moon, or when they were bent up in laughter over a harmless, successful prank. Or even the incident earlier--she had been _unstoppable_.

And so, so _beautiful_.

 _Don't be such a berk, you mutt,_ he berated himself immediately. There was _no way_. He wouldn't...no, he couldn't think like that. He had to protect her. He had to keep himself from getting too close or attached to anyone, especially if this war was coming. Anyone close to him would be a target, more so than he himself in an effort to coerce his allegiance. There had been talk of a war for some time. Since before he'd been singed off the family tree, even. There had been talk of someone rising to power. Talk of...talk of what _role_ the Black's would play. If it came down to it, he knew his families dark inclinations were enough to sway their vote for a side. His refusal would be the ultimate besmirch and he would undoubtedly pay for it.

Besides, she was with Edgecombe, as unsuitable as he was for her. She didn't, couldn't, and would never see Sirius as anything more. But...Sirius wondered briefly if that was because she didn't allow herself to. If she was toying with Lennox, just for some fun. She'd never had a relationship before, not one that she let go on for than a cycle or two, anyway. She thought it was too obvious...and she'd said she could never be in a relationship with someone when she had to _lie_ to them forever. He'd talked this over with Marlene one night during the summer while the smoked a spliff on the McKinnon's front porch. _She_ had refused to tell him at first, _at first_. But ever the convincing charmer (with the help of some strong weed), Sirius had managed to get her to admit that Lennox was intelligent enough to challenge her, sure, but that it was _mostly_ about how good he was with his mouth, and some _other_ things, too.

Which, naturally, infuriated Sirius to no end, but he hadn't let Marlene see that, and he wouldn't let any of the others see it either. Not even _James_. Renata was, first and foremost, his best mate. _Best mate_. What he had with her was different than what he had with James...his _real_ brother. And definitely different than the friendship he had with Peter. Even the one he shared with Marlene! Renny was different. He couldn't risk losing her for anything in the world.

Renata woke with a start as the train stopped. Panic set in her chest at the all-too familiar lurch and she grappled for her wand, "--'s okay, we're here," came Alice's soothing voice. She almost berated herself from reacting so strongly, though it didn't seem that anyone really blamed her, for which she was utterly grateful.

"Looks like the Headmaster and Minnie are waiting in the platform," Peter called from where his face was pressed to the window.

"For the last time, you dolt, _you_ do not have express permission to call her that. Only I do," Sirius insisted, earning a few laughs and some eye rolls from among them. It was a good shot at normalcy and Renata appreciated it. Peter looked downcast, but perked up instantly as Sirius gave him a teasing poke in the chest, as if to call him out, only to wink and nudge Wormtail down the way, with chatter about what they might be treated to at the feast. Wormtail looked elated at the one-on-one attention, and Ren smiled at this. They all cared about Peter, he was funny without even meaning to be, he was quiet and never pushed anyone too hard--a good listener, really. And there was just something so kind and innocent about him that was endearing. Refreshing.

As they queued up to exit the train, James turned to offer his hand to Lily who accepted it with only a brief look of skepticism before they turned to round up the first years and lead them to the Lake with Hagrid. Sirius turned and offered Renata the same helping hand. She accepted it gratefully and was surprised when he didn't let go as they made the expected walk to Dumbledore and Professor McGonogall. She fought the urge to pull away, lest Lennox be around and watching the entire exchange. Her palm felt clammy and Sirius mistook it for nerves about disclosing the incident to the Headmaster.

"It's alright, Moony, I've got you," he insisted. Surprisingly, she knew this was true, be it the Headmaster or Lennox. 

"Ah, Renata, Sirius. Might we speak briefly before the Welcoming Feast? I daresay we'll have an ample amount of time before the First Years make it to the castle. Our dear friend Hagrid has opted for a more scenic route this year, in hopes they'll get to catch a glimpse of the Giant Squid," the Headmaster spoke as wistfully as ever with a smile on his face, though Renata knew a forced smile when she saw one. The platform all but cleared leaving Renata, Sirius, Professor McGonogall, and Headmaster Dumbledore. "Admittedly, I must apologize for not having reinforcements on the train from the start. I ask you forgive an old man his mistakes," and Renata was truly taken aback to see the intense remorse and sadness in his eyes. When they both nodded and Renny went so far as to give the Headmaster a smile, he nodded gratefully, "By the time we received word by way of the conductor, the train had already been on the move again. I assure you, the Hogwarts Express will never depart without more adequate protection from the stations again," there was anger in his voice now, be it with himself or due to the circumstances, Renata could not decipher, but she understood. A cowardly move it had been.

Sirius provided an excellent retelling of the events earlier that afternoon while the Headmaster and McGonogall listened with rapt attention. Renata felt their eyes on her in concern, but she merely kept them fixed on the path to the final, thestral drawn carriage ahead. There were obvious signs of worry and concern on both of their Professors faces, but Renata refused to let that concern slip through her mind again. She was exhausted, too exhausted to dwell on it any further for the night. Headmaster Dumbledore was quiet for a time as Professor McGonogall waved her wand over the pair of them to discern any possible taints or injuries.

"It is of no secret that a war is coming. Rather, that a war has begun. One-hundred house points for your bravery tonight. We will take it from here," and that was the last words spoken in the carriage just before it halted to a stop outside the castle. She was the last one to leave the carriage, and Sirius saw the hesitance that wracked her body. She wasn't in _pain_ not the way she should have been. She was apprehensive, and couldn't imagine sitting among the excitement, the hustle-bustle, and gossip that she could hear spilling from the Great Hall as they passed through the Entrance doors.

"Professor, might I escort Renata to the Hospital Wing--"

"Of course, Sirius," Headmaster Dumbledore cut in, before Minerva could speak further. It didn't appear either of them needed medical attention, but Renata saw the understanding in Dumbledore's eyes as he bid them goodbye, "Perhaps simply return to your dormitory and the house elves will send a meal for each of you." For the first time in her life, Renata was grateful for preferential treatment.

She and Sirius did not drop their hold on one another until they were in the Gryffindor Common Room, where each of them dispersed to change quickly, before they met again in front of the fire where a lavish meal, too large for each of them, had spread itself on the common table. They shared a glance and Renata knew what Sirius was going to say before he said it:

"Why didn't we try this sooner?" 

She laughed in response and sat cross-legged before their personal feast. She felt ravishing, to a degree--but nauseous all the same. Instead of filling her plate, she reached for a biscuit and made quick work of desecrating it before she used her fork to take minute bites. After a lengthy silence in which Sirius set about eating, his manners far surpassed her own and the way she picked, bit, and nibbled at a biscuit. He had been raised in a home where _manners maketh man,_ he was utterly refined--as hard as he tried not to be. Sirius set down his silverware, "How are you feeling?"

Sirius wasn't one to ask about _feelings_. Though, Renata had long since learned that Sirius had a soft spot when it came to time spent one on one. She knew that Sirius's relationship with James went far beyond that of friends. They were brothers. Maybe not by blood, but Renata hadn't seen any relationship stronger than that of which was James and Sirius. The Potter's had essentially adopted Sirius, but James and he had been family long before that. She still couldn't wrap her head around the way she seemed to fit among the group but, somehow, she'd become an irreplaceable member. As had Peter, though she sometimes wondered if Wormtail's doughy nature had been largely beneficial in claiming their innocence. Or having a scapegoat that truly played dumb, well, because they  _were_ dumb. Or, at least, far removed from the prank at hand.

"I--honestly, Pads, I don't have any idea how I'm feeling," she was exhausted, unnerved, confused, starving--

"Sounds like the party tonight will be a brilliant cure," Sirius quipped and looked over his plate to gauge her reaction. Renata raised a skeptical brow and sighed with a shake of her head, "Oh, c'mon, it's the first night back. We've got to have some fun! Not only to forget the shit on the train, but to celebrate our final year, Moony!"

His enthusiasm bubbled laughter through her lips, and she found a cheerfulness had settled in her stomach as she reached for a scoop of mashed potatoes. Carbs had proved themselves the only measurable cure. She stabbed at a forkful while Sirius smirked over his empty plate and rubbed at the bloating of his stomach. He stretched his arms behind his head and laid back carelessly on the floor. He wiggled his toes in her direction and Renata stabbed at them with her fork, "I hate feet, Black, sod off!" But before she could truly make him regret it, she was broken up in laughter as Sirius dug his toes gently into her ribs and elicited an uncontrollable laughter. His tickle-toes were no match for her exhaustion and she soon found herself laying back against the rug. Their feet had, somehow, managed to meet one another on the floor and, meal forgotten, they had engaged in a sort of strength war.

"If I win, you have no choice but to attend our soiree," Sirius chirped, tensing his thighs in order to overpower her. This was the sort of game children played, she knew, from the way James and Sirius used to play together on the couch in first year in an attempt to conquer more space than the other. 

"And if I win?"

"Impossible."

Sure enough, as Sirius counted down from three and managed to push her knees to her chest, Renata laughed, far too resigned to the idea of a "New-term" party, as had been the tradition since Sirius realized he could pass as old enough to purchase the alcohol.

 She groaned and conceded, "I won't be staying late then, class in the morning and all that--"

"Merlin, you really were out of it, weren't you? Good ol' man Dumbles has cancelled classes tomorrow in light of what happened. Said so on the carriage ride up. The Professors have planned something special to appease the first years during meals tomorrow."

"Or to stop their parents from taking them out of Hogwarts--"

"That too, but they'd be foolish to do so, safer in here than out there," Sirius quipped and left Renata to chew swallow thickly in agreement around her mash wondering what, exactly, those parents would say if they knew their kids were also running around with a werewolf.

Dinner soon switched over to dessert, and Renata realized with a sinking in her stomach, that the Common Room was going to be filled with the chatter and excitement of the First Night Back. She really couldn't fathom faking a smile in the corner of the room, dodging questions about her hols and whatever had possessed her to react as she had on the train.

"C'mon, bring the chocolate biscuits," Sirius said and stood. He vaulted himself unnecessarily so over the back of the sofa and managed to transform in midair with the reflexes of a dog as large as he was. They took the stairs to the boys dormitory and dropped unceremoniously on Sirius's four poster, Padfoot had curled up right by her head and given her face a wet, playful lick. She shoved him off the bed in jest and, naturally, took precedence over all the pillows. As she got herself comfortable, Sirius had situated himself with his neck and shoulders bent at the headboard, plate of biscuits resting on his chest. She couldn't imagine it was comfortable, but he seemed to have no problems with it.

"It's all really happening, isn't it?" She asked at long last, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between them. She reached to swipe the half eaten biscuit from his hand and popped it in her mouth instead, uncharacteristically cheeky but, it was always this way between them. Something about Sirius and his unapologetic brashness was infectious, and she found more confidence in herself through him. "The war, I mean. It's finally started." He hesitated before he answered and she realized that this was because he knew something. Something important...or terrifying. Perhaps both. He flicked his wand effortlessly and the tray disappeared, "Padfoot, what is it?"

Sirius sighed and turned to look on her, shifting his weight so he was in his side as well. Renata didn't know what it was suddenly today about him, but this sort of closeness felt...different. She was torn between moving away and taking Pete's bed or shifting closer. The thought was unsettling...and the warmth in her chest was creeping outwards to the rest of her. 

 _Don't be a daft harlot_ , she berated herself. Sirius was like a brother of sorts. Not quite like Peter and James but--or...he should have been like them. _Really, Ren, you've got Lenny. And Black has every other girl in the school_.

He ran a hand over his face and through his hair, combing carefully over his dark tresses, leaving her to wait for him to finally pluck up the answer she was searching for, the one she knew he had and hadn't told her. Not in a letter, nor even after everything that had happened tonight, "Mr. and Mrs. Potter were talking about the war over the summer...James and I were sneaking in after a night out and overheard them in the sitting room," Sirius sighed, "it's bad, Renny. People are disappearing and being murdered. The... _their_ side is growing. Those men on the train, they call themselves  _Death Eaters_ , and I...remember my  _father_ saying something about this Dark Lord when I was younger. He and his followers then, they called themselves the  _Knights of Walpurgis_ ," Sirius shuddered, and it was the first time Renata could remember him looking so unsettled before (save for fifth year, and the incident that they'd vowed never to mention again). 

"The...Knights of Walpurgis? But--" Renata mulled the information over in her head, "I suppose they came up with a new name now that they're getting more of a following--why hasn't this been in the Prophet? More widely spread?"

"Mr. Potter said the Ministry is trying to keep a wraps on this, especially since they're targeting more prominent families now. Blood traitors and those who have refused to join a side."

"So they've gotten tired exercising their power over muggles and the muggle born too unfamiliar with the Wizarding World to properly defend themselves," Renata summarized, a look of sheer disgust on her taste. The left over hint of chocolate in her mouth seemed rotten all of a sudden and she felt her stomach turn, "I trust the Headmaster completely. With my life. I--I owe him everything...but if he thinks I'll just sit back and not try and do anything about it now, he's sorely mistaken," and she'd never speak against the Headmaster, nor think him to be mistaken about anything, but she was of age. If she was presented with a choice, she would fight back. She'd fight for what was right.

"Brilliant, the Marauders to save the Wizarding World. I like the sound of that headline already," it sounded like a joke, but she could hear the agreement in his tone. She felt immensely relieved and worried over it. Sirius was...reckless. He was the sort to dance on the front lines and cast a jelly-legs jinx in battle for laughs. He was the sort to always be center stage, abandoning all sense of preservation and entitlement. A fierce dueler, far more skill than any 17 year old had a right to have. But he did. 

They'd laid, facing one another in silence for a while, contemplating everything that had just passed between them. Her eyes started to close more than once and each time she realized she fought to keep them open until he chuckled lightly and put a hand over her face, "Keep them closed, Moony. I'll wake you when it's time to go," he promised, though he knew she wished he wouldn't. He swiftly moved off the bed, undetected as he drew the hangings of his four poster and cast a silencing charm as the others came loudly up the stairs.

Rowdy, no doubt, with the prospect of a long, rule-breaking, alcohol filled night before them. He toyed briefly with the prospect of feigning illness so they could stay in together but knew it would be nice for all of them to forget, just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And how was that? A fairly decent ending after a terrible amount of angst. Obvious drunken Room of Requirement party to come. I can't decide if Lennox should be there as well in order to insight more drama? Let me know what you think, what you'd like to see, or if you think I should just scrap this entirely. 
> 
> xoxox


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual disclaimers apply! Underage drinking and relationship violence in this chapter in case anyone doesn't want to read that.
> 
> I struggled a little to write this chapter ya'll--and it will probably show. It's long as hell, I hope that makes up for it!

" _Pepper-up_ , pup," Sirius teased and held a small vial of minty-green liquid out in front of her just after he'd unceremoniously shoved her out of bed to rouse her from her sleep. Renata reached for it begrudgingly, though she was grateful for it all the same, "Oh, it's a pajama themed party, by the way. You don't even require a change," Sirius added with a smirk. She was struck suddenly by the thought that he had suggested that for her benefit. Comfortable clothes and close friends--this was a party that she could get behind, "Although, you might want to fix that hair of yours, quite unbecoming--" Renata gasped and reached up to feel the state of her hair, which was barely mussed as it was. As Sirius ran for the door to head back to the Common Room, she launched a pillow and laughed as it caught the back of his head.

She cast a refreshment charm over herself, rid her eyes of the "I-just-rolled-out-of-bed" look and took a deep breath before she made her way down to the Common Room. Before she had even hit the second to last step, the room erupted with cheers and applause. Someone who vaguely sounded like Frank Longbottom was chanting her name which the rest of them chorused. Cheeks flushed, she ducked her head and tried to make her way to the outskirts of the room, only to be sidetracked by her friends--something she was quite thankful for as it meant she could hide amongst them as a shield of sorts.

Mary Macdonald, a sixth year and the best beater the Gryffindor had seen since the Prewett twins, wrapped her arms around Renata and kissed either of her cheeks in an uncharacteristically affectionate way. Usually, Mary was quite gruff. Kind but not warmly so. This _gesture_ was entirely unexpected, but Renata laughed and returned it anyway. Following that, Alice threw her arms around Renata's neck and the whiff of alcohol she got was enough for her to know that most of them had already started drinking. No wonder it was so loud. No wonder everyone was so...rambunctious.

Renata knew what would become of this night: someone would end up crying, a pair of people would end up fighting, someone would end up getting sick, and another pair would end up snogging--it had happened at the last few parties she'd been apart of. And, typically, Renata was the one to nurse a single drink and keep an eye on the rest of them. Same as Lily. They had been dubbed the "mother-hen's of Gryffindor house". Only tonight, Renata felt more inclined to let someone else take that responsibility from her.

Tonight, she felt like getting just as sloshed as the rest of them and, she decided to prove her point as Sirius crossed the room to join their group by snatching the glass of Firewhisky out of his hand and downing it in one gulp. He said nothing and merely raised an eyebrow before casting a charm to send him another full glass from across the room, "I guess Moony is coming out to play tonight?"

"You don't have to guess. I am," Renata quipped cheekily and looped an arm around Marlene's shoulders, who had just nudged her way into their circle, "Who's coming tonight?" She wondered curiously. It would be...remiss of her not to check--depending on who was there, she would have to present herself differently. Everything she did was controlled. To be uncontrolled tonight would be an out of body experience, she had to be among people she trusted.

Marlene giggled and flicked Renata tenderly on the nose, "The guest list was  _quite_ selective. No Slytherins, obviously. Seventh years only, lest we like a few sixth years--" she jutted her chin towards Mary, "Amos is coming and swore he'd bring Davy Gudgeon--that mother fucker is a trip and a half, quite good for a party!" Marlene insisted and, Renata remembered briefly when she'd heard the news about Davy. Davy who had attempted to approach the Whomping Willow and lost sight in his left eye. She'd felt bad until the bastard had tried again a month later and nearly lost his right one, too, "Dorcas will be coming with Amos and Davy, while Emmeline is coming with Chang, Dom, and whoever they decide to bring," Renata resisted to roll her eyes at this. Clearly the alcohol had inspired Marlene's loose tongue--obviously, if Chang and Dom were going, Lenny would be, too.

"Oi! It's time, you lot!" Peter called out from the window, grinning at the sight of James's "coast is clear" sparks, "He's cleared the way for us--all at once then!" And at that, Peter stepped out and held the portrait door for the rest of them, the other boys and Mary grabbed the boxes of liquor they were to bring with them, and Renata followed along with a fresh drink in hand and a smile playing on her lips.

Sirius, ever the spell-caster, had charmed the box to levitate in front of him as he walked, "You look happy," he commented quietly and quite unusually. Ren knew Sirius was observant, but he typically left the commentary to someone else. She gave a glance over her should and wasn't at all surprised that they were alone. Surprised even, to realize she wanted them to be alone.

"Yeah," she agreed, "This is really nice, I honestly can't remember the last time I--"

"Let go?" Sirius chimed in helpfully and Renata nodded, "It's nice to see you like this," Sirius admitted and gave her side a gentle prod with his elbow. Renata snorted and rolled her eyes, "What?" Sirius wondered idly and gave her a look of earnest incredulity, one she could have honestly said she had never seen before.

"You only like me like this because it means I won't interfere with whatever  _ridiculous_ plan you come up with tonight--in fact I might even go along with it," she teased as they came to a stretch of blank castle wall that quickly changed into the party room they'd been visiting for the past few years. Before she could even procure herself a drink, Marlene was ushering her off to the plush loveseat in the middle of the room with a bottle for the pair of them, "No glasses? What have we become--" she started in, feigning shock and outrage before Marlene pressed the rim of the bottle to her lips and held her nose, giving her no choice but to drink...and she  _thoroughly_ enjoyed it. 

The pair of them were a giggling mess when Sirius approached them and perched himself on the arm of the couch nearest her, "The others have just gotten here, Gudgeon was begging for a game of Truth or Dare--says he nicked an eyedropper full of Veritaserum over the summer while he was in Mungo's for--well, something or other," Sirius waved his hand as if the logistics of it didn't matter, "Might make truth a bit more fun than we're used to," he wiggled his eyebrows at Marlene who stood and gave him a hard shove. He would've lost his balance if it wasn't for the fact that he grappled for thing nearest him, which just so happened to be Renata's shoulder. She reacted instinctively and reached with her bottle-free hand to grab his other arm with unsung strength. Quiet, lean muscles rippled under her skin, dormant up until the days just before the moon and lingering only just after.

"Careful there, Padfoot, some might think you're too drunk--"

"Oh, piss off, Moony--you seem a bit unsteady yourself!" He taunted back and, before she knew what was happening, before she could even leap away from Sirius's revenge to her passive remark, he was gripping either of her arms and pulling her over the side of the loveseat with him into a pile of pillows that had suddenly appeared on the floor beneath them. 

Renata let out a groan of dis-appreciation and gave Sirius a smart pinch, causing him to pull away with a sharp, mocking gasp, "You're a fucking knob, Black, I swear it by all the Gods--"

"Oh, Prongs! Thank Circe you're here! Moony's _cussing_ at me because _she_ so cruelly tackled me to the floor--" Sirius whinged, earning himself another pinch and a slew off good-natured insults from under her breath. Before she could even situate herself properly, Marlene was shoving her around in order to make room for herself and Alice. Slowly, but surely, the rest of them took a seat on the cushions placed in a neat, foreboding circle. Renata looked up just as Lennox sat across from her with a tight smile on his lips. She returned it brightly, if only to ease the tension in his shoulders that came from a clear lack of liquor and proclivity towards  _fun_. Ren gratefully (and perhaps stupidly so) accepted the bottle she'd lost to Sirius as a peace offering and put it to her lips.

"What's the game then, Marlene?" Amos Diggory asked, uncapping a bottle of fancy ale, no doubt supplied by Lennox who had a more _eclectic_ palette than the rest of the _plebeians_ in the room.

 _Merlin, I think whiskey makes me bitter,_ the thought was brief and fleeting, but she made it a point to remind herself to take much smaller sips when a bottle came around again.

"The game is Truth or Dare--very classic, I know, but we've decided to up the stakes a bit. Davy, if you would--"

She hardly had to introduce him before he pulled the eyedropper in a vial from his robes and held it up proudly, "Veritaserum! Just a drop or two. When it's your turn, decide whether or not you want  _Truth_ or  _Dare_. If you pick Truth, you drink. This way, truth will never be a cop-out, in fact, it may be the far more dangerous choice," it was clear the Hufflepuff was going for dramatic--and the notion that they would all be subject to spilling their secrets was dangerous enough, but with the comical eye patch he sported in place of a proper replacement--nothing Davy Gudgeon said could or would ever be taken all that seriously. Renny wondered briefly if he might have also been well-suited for Slytherin...though, he didn't have a bone in his body to hurt or take selfless advantage of another person.

And perhaps it was the whiskey, mayhaps it was the patch--but they all agreed, and Davy dropped two drops of the potion into the bottle and gave it a swirl for good measure.

"It's illegal, you know, to use Verit--"

"You could always opt not to drink and take a dare, Lils," Alice pointed out, "That way you don't break any laws."

"We all know the gist of this by now," Peter started with a sigh, "What happens in the Room--"

"Stays in the room!" Padfoot and Prongs chorused, jostling one another with their elbows eagerly.

Renata weighed her options. She could pick dare every turn and avoid the terrible possibility of spilling her secrets, considering she had a very, very large, furry one. Or, she could...let her guard down, within reason. The Marauders wouldn't deign to ask her anything too serious, not if it could possible expose her. Lenny wouldn't push for anything too scandalous either, and she highly doubted Lily, Mary, Alice or Dorcas--

Marlene, bless her heart, didn't know, at least not explicitly so, that she turned at every Full to a blood-thirsty beast...but if she thought she was being silly  and begged for a dark secret...or, if Davy mentioned the Whomping Willow and why she hated it so desperately...no. There was far too much thinking going into this. She would base her decision off of who was asking her the question or demanding she do something. Oh, but Merlin, the Marauders might take advantage of the fact that--

Sod it, sod it all.

"Who first, then?" She blurted, ready to get started before she talked herself out of the party and left it all together.

"Me," Lennox volunteered, quite out of character, Renny thought, but was pleasantly surprised all the same.

"Then I'll ask--" Sirius started snidely before Lily cut him off.

"The youngest in the room will ask the first question, Mary, that's you, isn't it?"

After a very brief chattering about birthdays it was concluded that Mary was, in fact, the Youngest. Renata wondered idly why they bothered questioning Lily, anymore. 

"Truth," Lenny picked. Normally, Renny would have thought that a safe choice, the appropriate choice for him...but after the train--her heart sank in concern, and she avoided looking him in the eye as he took a sip from the bottle. Mary seemed to mull her question over for a bit before she finally decided to ask it, almost as if she couldn't decide if it was too soon to dive in--

"What did you think on the train, when Ren went to save that boy?"

It could have been worse, she supposed, but still distracted herself with pulling an invisible piece of lint off of her sleeve, followed by another...and another--"I thought she was an idiot, brave and all, but reckless--I thought I was going to  _lose_ her and I felt helpless to stop it because I was terrified, myself. Frozen in place." The sheer bluntness of his words was enough to catch her off guard. She didn't even think she was annoyed about it, though Marlene and Sirius shared a look beside her, Renata watched Lenny closely. He seemed horrified that he'd spoken like that, but also seemed unable to stop himself, "I was scared I was going to lose you and that I'd have to live with the fact that I just stood by and watched."

She smiled softly at him at that and as the attention shifted when he passed the bottle to Emmeline, she gave him a wink to ensure that she wasn't mad, not in the least. It had been an idiotic, reckless thing to do--but he didn't know why she'd done it. The sentiment was warm and brutally honest, she knew. She wished she was sitting next to him. Perhaps they really could have a good time together tonight, with everyone. She hardly noticed as Emmeline picked dare, but vaguely heard Gudgeon telling her to give Dorcas a kiss. Ever-wise, she laid a sloppy one on the other girls cheek, and grinned smugly at having escaped her first round.

Each turn, they seemed to be growing more comfortable with one another, to the point where Marlene admitted begrudgingly that she would  _love_ to have a passionate snog with Sirius (who begged whoever had him to dare him to snog her senseless next time around) just to see what all the hype was about.

"It's getting a bit dangerous now, you see," Chang pointed out wisely, "If you've already drank from the bottle and pick dare...you could very well be compelled to make a choice, an honest one," he added with the same, brilliant smugness that seemed to seep from the Ravenclaws in the room. Renata understood what he meant and, as she was passed the bottle she drank for truth without a second thought, refusing to be trapped into something terribly scandalous so early on in the night.

"What's your re-collection of what happened on the train?" Domnall blurted, clearing having been waiting for his chance.

She knew what he meant, what he was referring to...but then, another, more dominant part of her wasn't so sure, and she found herself speaking without thought, the words had a mind of their own, "Which part?"

The circle erupted silently with confused looks and raised eyebrows--and a few scowling faces. She tried to take it back, to retract, because in her mind she knew there had been two parts to the ride. Her argument with Lennox and her confrontation with Greyback. But most of them sitting in the circle didn't know that, and now she was concerned she'd made herself her own target, "Er--" Dom started, and his eyes flickered briefly to Lennox who was glaring daggers into his half empty bottle of ale.

"The part where you faced a fully grown werewolf, obviously!" Peter interjected, saving all of them from discomfort and her from spilling the other truth she was trying very hard to forget.

Renata gave him what she was sure was a grateful look, "All I saw was that little boy--I couldn't let him hurt him, there was no way. Greyback is a _monster_ , I'd never forgive myself if I let that poor boy become one of u--"

"How admirable, Moony, now pass me the bottle, I want a go!" Sirius demanded, cutting her off before she could expose herself through a Veritaserum imbibed rant about werewolves. She threw him a thankful look as well and was relieved to see that everyone seemed far more eager to to give him his dare--as Sirius Black never picked Truth.

It just so turned out that Lennox was meant to be asking the questions, "I dare you to snog the person you would most like to."

"It'd take me _ages_ to find Minnie--" Sirius groaned teasingly, though he seemed to be restraining himself a bit.

"In the room," Lenny added with a brief roll of his eyes. Mary giggled and looked through her eyelashes expectantly. James and Sirius briefly made eye contact and Renata was confused to see the pair of them looked worried.

 "Well, you asked for it Edgecombe--" he muttered to himself and turned to Renata who was already staring at him curiously, wondering if he might go for Marlene, or perhaps Mary, considering they'd always had such a brilliant connection on the quidditch pitch--

Lips were on hers within the next few seconds, cutting off her thoughts and catching her entirely off guard. The room collectively gasped, not that she heard them, as her eyes were wide open and staring in shock at Sirius Black. After a moment, however brief it was, he pulled away with a flush to his cheeks and rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck.

"I--what?" She blurted in response as her cheeks flared and her entire body felt like it was buzzing.

"I knew it, you _fucking bitch_!" Lennox's voice was loud, but she heard it as if it were far away as her attention was still on Sirius. As Lenny shoved himself to his feet and swiftly left he room, Renny snapped to attention and looked at the rest of them, who seemed as shocked as she--aside from James and...surprisingly Lily. 

"I really couldn't help myself," Sirius admitted, and though he was smiling, Ren could see something that looked like fear...(perhaps regret?) in his eyes. 

Renata pushed herself to her feet, "I should...go after him?" She hated how unsure she sounded, how her body was almost sitting itself back down as she realized she would much rather stay.

"No, you shouldn't!" Marlene chimed in, with the agreement of Alice and Dorcas, "He's in a rotten mood and he'll just take it out in you, stay and have fun with us!" 

"I agree," Peter added gently," He...he called you a bitch, Moony, that's messed up, he'll be in no mood to talk tonight."

"But I--I kissed Sirius! Right in front of him," she protested in earnest her palm against her forehead in both guilt and disbelief.

"If I remember correctly, Black kissed you," Chang pointed out.

"Though, you didn't exactly stop it," Domnall quipped, thoroughly seeming to enjoy the scene in front of him as he sipped idly on his beer looking annoyingly amused. 

She swatted Sirius in the arm with the back of her hand, "Why did you do that?"

"I wanted to," He admitted, looking entirely too much likens would prefer his lips to be nailed shut. 

"Well, Black, sometimes we can't always have we want," she snapped uncharacteristically of her, and turned her back on the others to leave the room and find Lenny, however strongly her feet seemed to be trying to stop her. 

He'd been so hurt, so angry when he'd left. And what had he meant by what he'd said? 'I knew it'...? Knew what? She'd never, she and Sirius had never--they were best friends! That was it! Wasn't it? Renata ran her hands through her hair, painfully aware of the fact that her lips were still tingling. Merlin, why had Lennox provoked the situation, had he been looking for a reason to be upset with her? And how could he be upset with her? He'd been the one "expecting it"! And Sirius had been the one who had kissed her...and left her lips tingling as if she might've liked it.

_Fucksake, I didn't--well, I did, but he's an idiot!_

As she rounded the corner and towards the nearest staircase, she was caught off guard by a sharp yank into the nearest alcove with a soft yelp. 

"Len--I was just coming after you! Why would you have dared him to do something like that? And how could you--"

"So, this is my fault? You think I haven't noticed the way you two are always hanging all over one another? Get over yourself, Lupin, you were acting like a slag--and then you let him snog you!"

"How dare you! You told him to do it, how was I supposed to know he'd song me? This is your fault, and his! But it's certainly not mine," she continued, only to be quieted by Lennox's hand over her mouth and her back sharply pressed against the stone castle walls. He had her pinned with one hand over his mouth, his other holding her upper arm, and his leg between both of hers to cease her struggling.

"You wanted it, you enjoyed it!" He hissed at her, his lips snarling in a frighteningly familiar way. She turned her head to escape the clamminess of his hand, "Didn't you?" Ren realized what he was doing, he was taking advantage of the game, still--it had been such a stupid, reckless idea, how had she not realized it sooner? Had the alcohol clouded her judgement that severely? She had been stupid to think she could trust her secrets among a room of her peers. Ren felt tears spring to her eyes and tried to look away from him but he grabbed her jaw sharply and forced her to look at him as she said it:

"Yes--" it was barely a whisper, but he was close enough to hear it, his fingers tight enough to bruise her, the palm of his hand sharp and biting as it cut against her cheek and snapped her head sharply to the side, leaving a vicious red welt behind in its wake. She hadn't even known that she had enjoyed the snog until she had been forced to answer.

"I can't believe you, you're fucking disgusting, you deserved that," he pointed out with a hiss, his lips hot and wet against her ear, reminding her entirely too much of Fenrir, which caused her to struggle, "Stop," he warned her, "You're going to take this--" but she didn't stop and as she tried to push herself forward, her head collided with his nose and left him reeling away in pain.

"I-I didn't mean to!" And she really hadn't, but if he'd asked she wouldn't have said she regretted it either, "Lenny, please, we're both drunk. We can talk in the morning when you're calm--" she tried softly, but it was entirely too late for softness.

This she realized as she tried to step around him and put distance between them, his hand shot out and tangled itself in her hair and yanked her back towards him before he shoved her sharply again against the wall. The back of her head and her shoulder blades received the brunt of his force and the stone's naturally unforgiving nature. "I hope it hurts, I hope ever time it aches you remember what you did," he spat at her before storming away in the direction she had been heading to find him. 

She cradled her cheek in her hands, the heat of his slap was still their and, she was surprised to feel that her lip had split just down the center.

How had this happened? He'd never--she'd never been afraid of him like this before! This wasn't their relationship, it had been kinder and sweeter than this. Full of intelligent debate and conversation, hand-holding and snuggling and the way he'd touched her before had always been gentle or gave her pleasure.

And now? Now his words and his touches has reduced her to tears and bruises. How had she let this happen? From the moment he'd pushed her on the train she should have told him to sod off--gods, how could she have been so stupid?

She was furious with herself, so furious she nearly missed the voices sounding down the hall. 

"--the Map. We'll take the cloak too and make sure--"

"--really didn't mean to put her in that position, James, why would he--"

"I don't know, Pads, he's a wanker, that's why, Merlin, I hope she's alright. If anything, maybe she'll see him for who he is now."

Renny panicked, if she didn't move quickly they'd stumble across her and find her well, like this. And if she wanted to beat them back to the Common Room and into her four poster where she could hide herself...she took off at a run, sipped behind secret passageway guarding tapestrys and statues, took the stairs two at a time and leapt over trick steps, when she reached the Fat Lady she blurted the password before the portrait had a chance to grumble about being woken at such an hour. 

She was panting when she reached her bed from both exertion and adrenaline. Absolute fear has taken her when she'd thought of the prospect that they might see what she'd allowed Lennox to do to her. As she laid back against her pillow she winced, even the pressure of it against where she'd hit her head was painful. If she hadn't forgotten her wand in the Room of Requirement, she might've patched herself up. For now she had to settle with her usual stash of bruise balm for the soreness in her chin and on her cheek. If she were lucky, they would barely be visible tomorrow--and so long as one of the girls had brought her wand back for her, no one would be the wiser.

And tomorrow she'd break things off with Lennox, tomorrow she'd pull him aside at breakfast and end their relationship. That was certain.

She sighed in relief before she remembered that Sirius, her best mate, had wanted to kiss her. Had, under the influence of Veritaserum, kissed her in a room full of plenty of other alternatives. He'd picked her. Surely, it didn't mean anything. Perhaps he had wanted to kiss her, if only to cause her discomfort or...to tick Lenny off? Maybe he really just wanted to do it as a prank of sorts. She'd hardly put it past him. She supposed it would be a valid way around the potion--but the answer left her with an unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach as she tried to forced herself to believe that was the truth.

She drew her hangings and fell into a fitful sleep.

Her dreams were vivid. There was always the Full and then there was Lennox, howling and cackling at her. She always went after him but as soon as her jaws locked around his throat he became Sirius. Or her mother. Or her father. Lily. James, Peter, Marlene--the dream was repetitive. There was no way out.

 

 

 

When she woke, she knew it was much later than she was used to. Usually, she was up around six and was able to make herself a cuppa, do some light reading, and get ready for her day. Today, however, she could feel the tired ache in her limbs, the heaviness that came with too much sleep. She considered closing her eyes again and drifting off but instead kicked her legs over the side of her bed and forced herself up.

A quick survey told her that Lily was the only other person awake--Marlene had mascara smudged under her eyes and Alice was muttering something soft in her sleep. She grabbed her shower caddy and made quickly for the bathrooms, relieved she didn't have to face any of them just yet. A shower would refresh her, help her think more clearly. As she opened the door to the showers, it was already opening and nearly clipped her. 

"Oh! Ren, sorry I--what happened to you?" Lily blurted, her face shifting from surprise to concern, followed by anger, "He didn't--"

"No, I--Lily, please. Don't, I--" she couldn't find the words, "I fell getting into bed, clumsy really, from the liquor--"

"That's the same thing Petunia said the summer she dated that _wretched_ boy!" Lily's indignance sparked her own anger and she had to take a step back to calm herself, "You've got to drop him, Renny, please--he's not kind, he's hurt you. Marlene told me how you were on the train and that's twice in the same day!"

"I know, Lily, really, I do. I'm going to see him today at breakfast and end it but--" she took a deep breath, "I know I don't have a right to ask this of you but please, please don't tell anyone--last thing that needs to happen is an all out war against Lennox Edgecombe," and they shared a meaningful look, both of them knew how the boys would respond and it wasnt something she wanted to experience oncesoever, it wasn't something she'd wish on anyone. Even Lenny.

Lily seemed to mull it over for a bit before she nodded, though she looked like she regretted it, and stepped past her to head back to their dormitory. Renata could practically hear Lily's wheels turning in her head. 

After she showered, she looked in the mirror, the bruising was obvious. Not nearly as striking as it would have been, but her chin was lined with finger-tip shaped dark circles and a faded tinge of purple-yellow lined her cheek bone. It might've been overlooked or unnoticed had her friends not already been concerned about her or full with their doubts about Lennox. A thin red line split her lip, but that would have been nothing and could have passed as a result of a nervous tick if the rest of her face didn't look as it did. 

She was grateful upon entering the common room, for it was empty. She wasn't hungry in the least, but made her way out the portrait hole so she could get the the Great Hall anyway.

Even though she was searching for Lennox, when he pushed himself off the nearest wall in front of her she froze like a Diricrawl in danger. However, the difference between Renata and a Diricrawl was markedly large--she lacked the ability to disappear and reappear elsewhere when threatened. 

"Ren, hi. I just, I wanted--" he started to step towards her and she took a step back.

"Don't you move another inch," she snapped, her heart pounding furiously in her chest, "We're done, Lennox, our relationship, its over," the quiet shake in her voice betrayed her fear and he latched onto it like a leech. He was upon her then, had her backed against the nearest railing with his arms placed possessively on the banister that lined each side of her, "I won't change my mind--"

"Yes you will. You will. We aren't over, not until I say we are," he told her firmly, his lips twisted into a sick, snarling smile, "It didn't have to be like this, you know. But your practically  _rabid_ without someone to keep you in line. You _need_ me."

"I don't know where you get off, Edgecombe, but I told you--" she made to stand up straighter, and lifted her arms to push him away but he was quicker and had both her wrists held tight in his hands, "Please, Len--just, let it go, let go--" she pleaded and demanded of him all at once, "You hit me and you pushed me and--"

"Shut. Up." He muttered lowly in her ear;  his next words were cold, cruel, and heavy in her heart: " _I know your secret_."

Her heart sank. There was no way--he couldn't, he--she struggled in his grasp, desperate to get away from him, to leave this behind her, to pretend he hadn't just said what she thought he had. Renata shoved hard at him with her forearms and caught him off guard enough to pull away, "You're a liar--and you assaulted another student, Flitwick and Dumbledore will have you suspended."

Lennox laughed mirthlessly and shook his head. He laughed until he had to bury his face in his hands. She should have taken off then but his reaction left her feeling jarred, "Len, what--"

The first slap caught her off guard and she stumbled, the second had her reeling away from the force of it, "Say another word against me, threaten me again and I'll tell the entire school that old bat let a werewolf loose among us. Think _I'll_ be the one expelled once parents and the board find out about you?" He laughed again, "We're good together. You just need to be tamed--the wolf side of you, that's what causes problems between us, surely you realize that?" He didn't give her a chance to answer--not that she could have anyway, with tears in her eyes and absolute shock renting space in her soul.

He knew. He _knew_.

How long? "How did you--how long have you--?" She couldn't even finish her thoughts, she felt incoherent, her voice a terrified whimper. If she could have joined the portraits behind her, perpetually battling one another, she would have. Live in a war scene for rest of her life in order to escape this? Undoubtedly a better option.

Lennox snorted, "Oh, come on, you've been disappearing once a month since first year. The scars you've got aren't from any 'childhood accident'. I'm the smartest in our year--of course I figured it out," _hardly the smartest_ , Renny thought bitterly to herself. She had the highest marks in their year. 

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Why didn't you?"

"I couldn't! I--you can't, I'll lose everything, Len--" the panic was still there, she was on the verge of hysteria. How could this have happened...if Dumbledore thought this was at risk of getting out he would no doubt have to expel her or sacrifice Hogwarts's image. After everything the Headmaster had done for her and her family, how could she repay him this way? She had to keep her secret. She couldn't let Lennox tell.

"Pull it together, Ren, we're going to breakfast and I think you'll sit with me today." Numbly, deafly, blindly--she allowed herself to be led by the hand. There was no way out of this, if she--he would tell everyone. The entire school would know, her life would be _over_. She'd have _nothing_. All she'd worked for, O's across the board and...friends... how hard her parents had worked to give her as normal a life as was possible for a girl who turned into a monster once a month.  Renata bit back a sob and dug her heels in the ground before they entered. Lennox turned to her with a threatening look.

"M-my face, they'll see--" 

"If you weren't so clumsy racing through the corridor last night to find me and apologize, maybe you wouldn't have tripped and fallen flat on your face, no?"

She didn't even have time for a retort as he led her in and straight to the Ravenclaw table. She refused to look at the Gryffindor table in case her friends were there--they couldn't see her like this. And, Lily certainly couldn't see her with him either, "What if we took breakfast outside?" She tried weakly.

"And miss the gawking Gryffindors? Not likely," Lennox reached for a piece of buttered toast and looked far too please with himself as he smeared jam over it, "You should eat something, you're looking too skinny."

She sighed and shook her head, "Just some tea for me, I'm not hungry," but as his grip tightened around her thigh under the table, she jumped to attention and reached for a piece of toast and a serving of eggs. Each bite made her feel as if she was going to see it make a second appearance all over the table. She smiled obediently as Edgar, Chang, and Domnall joined them. She ignored the look they gave one another after catching the state of her face and focused on keeping each meager bite in her stomach while it crawled viciously back up her throat.

When Lennox finished eating he took her hand and pulled her up with him. They left the hall together and he pulled her into an empty classroom, "I've got work to do today, _important_ research. I expect you to stay in your dormitory until I can get you for lunch. Maybe we can take a walk later, yeah? I think we have a lot to discuss."

Renata nodded and refused to meet his eyes.

Lennox sighed, "You could at least act like you like me."

Anger flared in her chest and she finally did look him in the eye, "You're blackmailing me, you--"

"It's for your own good, you need to be trained, there's a wild streak in you I simply can't be caught with. It's no wonder you hang out with Black and Potter, McKinnon's a slag herself--"

"Don't you dare say _a word_ against them!" She snapped before she could control herself. She expected the hit when it came but it didn't make it hurt any less, "In one day, how could things have changed so much, Lennox? I don't understand," she whispered, cradling her face in her hand with tears in her eyes as she kept her shoulder to him.

Lennox stepped forward and pressed a tender kiss to the bruise on her other cheek, "I got tired of you shutting me out and letting Black in. You're my girlfriend. _Mine_. Not his. I want to make sure you understand that," Renata shied away from him as he lifted a hand she closed her eyes and jumped at his general touch, the back of his fingers raked gently along her cheekbone, "It won't always be like this, you'll learn."

He left her there and her heart raced--what could she _possibly_ do now?

She could turn to Dumbledore, she could tell him everything. But, Merlin, after everything he'd done for her...how could she bother him with this? All she had to do was play the good girlfriend until Lennox got sick of her. If she...behaved, as he put it, things wouldn't be so bad, would they?

Fuck, she was kidding herself. The way he had spewed what she was, the sickening pleasure he got from making her feel so small. It was like she was a lab-experiment to him. And what had he meant about 'important research'. As she left the classroom, her head glued to the floor and her foots propelling her forward, faster than necessary, she decided to stop at the library. 

Madam Pince had always liked her. She was studious and quiet and was able to keep the other Marauders evenly tempered while they were in the library. She enjoyed discussing books with the pinch-faced librarian, who was really rather quite pretty when she wasn't shushing you. She was even want to give Renata access to the Restricted Section, as Ren had never abused that power. The Restricted Section was exactly what she needed. Her mind was a whirring wheel of thought, and this plan seemed like the only plausible option.

As she started into the library, she spotted him, Lennox, speaking with Madam Pince. Before either of them could notice her she ducked behind the nearest shelf in order to catch her breath and waited till Lenny had disappeared before she made her escape. No, she couldn't do this now. She was too panicked, not to mention terrified. She would have to bide her time wisely so as not to look suspicious. Or, perhaps, she could simply borrow the cloak and sneak in after hours... Yes! It was brilliant. She knew where the key was kept, after all. And, ever the library afficionado, she could see the shelf in the Restricted Section where the Memory Modification charms were housed.

She took the stairs two at a time back to the Gryffindor Common Room and ran up the stairs towards the boys Dormitory before anyone in the Common Room could stop her. She rummaged through James's trunk, grateful the room was empty. When she couldn't find the cloak there, she turned to look under James's bed, followed by Sirius's and Peter's. She was a frantic mess when the door opened behind her, frantic enough that she hadn't even heard it as she continued to tear the room apart.

"Where is it?" She mused aloud, her voice strained with panic.

"Where's what?" 

She whipped around with a hand pressed to her chest. It was only Sirius. She dropped against Peter's bed and buried her face in her hands, more to hide her tears than the evidence, "I need the cloak, Pads, I need to--the Restricted Section, I need to get in. Now. Today."

He didn't say anything as he crossed the room and pulled the shimmer folds from behind James's pillow. He draped the cloak over her shoulders and knelt in front of her, entirely too used to the way the invisibility worked, "What in the fuck is going on, Moony? You're freaking me out."

She looked up at him then and he nearly fell backwards in shock at the sight of her, "He knows, Sirius, he knows what I am."

"What? How!"

"I guess I wasn't as great at hiding it as I thought. I mean, you lot had it figured out after a year. How could I have been so stupid?" She buried her face in her hands again, "This is a nightmare."

"It's not--you've got us, we'll come up with a plan!" Sirius insisted with his hands on either of her knees reassuringly, "What's the Restricted Section got to do with any of this?"

"If I'm going to modify his memory I've got to learn how to do it first," she said quietly, fully aware that the plan she was proposing was absolutely insane, not to mention ridiculous. Sirius was quiet for a prolonged sense of time. When she finally looked up to meet his eyes, he was grinning.

"It's brilliant. But we've got to hold a Marauder meeting, Wormtail and Prongs need in on this. If we all learned, we'll all have an equally opportune chance to blast the fucker--not to mention sweet revenge," Sirius mused thoughtfully.

"We--you lot can't go after him...not until we've gotten rid of the memory, not until I can be certain any thoughts Lycanthropy are erased from his mind, at least," Renata insisted, though she was not nearly as passionate about leaving Lennox be as she ought to have been. If the boys retaliated...Len might go out of his way to make life harder for her. 

Sirius dropped down onto the bed next to her and flopped backwards with a hand shielding his eyes, "Merlin, I'm sorry, Renny, I got you into this mess with that kiss," he muttered quietly, losing his confidence in light of his apology. He'd had to apologize to her only once before--in her eyes, that was still markedly worse than this.

"Why did you do that, anyway? I mean--me, of all people?"

He sighed and rolled onto his stomach, "Versmmdoit," he mumbled into the bedding, his voice muffled with little more than shame.

"Come again?"

"Veritaserum made me do it."

"Right, well. No more of that for you then," she quipped and gave his back a prod with her elbow until he turned his head and looked up at her. She offered him a smile, as if to say they were fine. Because they were, really. "If you ever get the urge to snog me again, a bit of warning might be nice," she teased and dropped back onto the bed with a sigh herself.

Sirius looked at her, watched as her eyes became distant with thought, he wasn't ready to lose her yet so he pulled her back in with a question, "What now?"

"Now we put it on thick. You apologize to Lennox--"

"Not a fucking chance--"

"You must, Sirius. He can't think anything is out of the ordinary--well, aside from the apology, make something up. Tell him you only wanted to kiss me for a prank, you wanted to make me uncomfortable and the drink took it the wrong way. In fact, you should do it at lunch. He's expecting me to sit with him again," she added, cringing at the thought.

"I don't know how you're going to tolerate it--let alone how Wormy and Prongs are." 

She sighed as Sirius shook his head, "And how are you?"

"Darling, you know I've never had much tolerance for anything."

His words should have filled her with foreboding but instead they eased the tension from her shoulders and she was able to relax while they waited together in heavy silence for her summoning.

 

 

 

She was at Ravenclaw table again, forking through a pile of romaine listlessly. She thought a salad would be light enough to stomach, but as soon as Lennox placed a possessive hand on her knee she felt nauseous. And when he made fun of the way she liked to keep her food separate, she felt stupid. The boys had never cared about her organized eating methods, in fact, Sirius had found it interesting.

Renata did her best to sit as far away from Lenny as possible but with the way his fingertips locked around her thigh she couldn't do much more than lean her upper half or avert her eyes whenever he tried to catch them with his own.

"Ready for our walk?" 

Lennox was looking at her expectantly after realizing she wasn't going to eat anything else and she nodded to appease him though the thought of being alone with him made her want to run screaming out of the Great Hall.

She saw the Marauders standing out of the corner of her eye and tried to distract Lenny by turning to grab his hand in order to pull him along. Her hand felt like it was dipped in acid and her legs felt like they were wading through sludge but she kept going, relieved the boys would be close enough so she wouldn't be entirely alone.

The air was brisk and cool and she huddled into herself before Lennox ever-so-chivalrously draped his cloak around her shoulders.

"Thank you," she offered, only because she knew he expected it of her.

"So," Lenny started with his hands shoved into his pockets, "I don't want it to be strained like this, Ren."

"How can you expect anything different, Lennox? You've hit me on multiple occasions and you're threatening to expose me to the school if I don't play the perfect girlfriend. It's sick--"

He reached under the cloak and squeezed the back of her neck so tightly she let out a yelp, "Mind your tongue--"

She wrenched away from him and let the cloak fall from her shoulders into a sad, rejected pile on the ground, "This is what I mean! You can't just hurt me because you don't like what I have to say!"

"Or, you have to learn the right things to say, Renny, it's all about appropriation--"

"Fuck you and your appropriation!" She snapped, the curse falling from her lips in a snarl. The slap caught her sharply at the corner of her mouth as she reached for her wand, but before she could cast a spell Lennox was already on the ground seizing with uncontrollable laughter and rapidly sprouting boils across his face, "Damnit--" she started in frustration as she turned to round on the boys, only to find Wormtail on Prongs's antlers and...no sign of--

Sirius's materialized out of thin air as the other two changed back. No matter how many times she'd seen it, it was still impressive and she only wished she had the capability at whim, and not against her will once a month.

James flicked his wand to silence Lennox's laughter, though he still seized with it silently, "We're taking him to Dumbledore," he said firmly.

"You can't--" Renny protested wincing at the tears coming from Lennox's eyes, no doubt a mixture of pain and incessant hysterics.

"Out of all of us, Moony, you should know Dumbledore will take care of this, same way he did with Snape--and there's no way we're going to sit around and let this tosser abuse you while you try to work out a selective memory modifying charm!" James protested, not even a hint of playfulness in his tone, nor any gleam in his eyes. 

At the mention of the incident with Snape, Sirius had dropped his eyes and seemed to be refusing to look at her, "You're not doing this alone, Ren, we're not going to let you, so head back to the dormitory with Wormtail and Pads while I, as Head Boy, take this bastard to Dumbledore for blackmailing and assaulting a female peer." The firm authority in his voice was no match for her meek protests and, though she dug her heels and protested slightly, she allowed Sirius and Peter to lead her back to the Dormitory while James released the jinx and bound Lennox with ropes from the tip of his wand to transport him.

"As soon as you were on about Memory Charms, Ren, I knew we weren't going to be able to change your mind. Well, we would've gone about it differently but then he hit you so--" Sirius shrugged and Peter nodded in agreement.

"Prongs nearly gored him with his antlers, I expect if I wasn't clinging to them he might've really done it!" Peter seemed almost delighted by the idea and his happiness was so simple it made her smile.

"I just have a feeling this isn't over yet."

"No use fretting about it now, if it's not over we'll meet it together," Sirius assured her and gave her elbow a squeeze.

"Yeah, besides, we have more important things to worry about," Peter hedged, begging either of them to take the bait.

"Alright, I'll bite--what've we got to worry about now?" Renata asked desperate for a cuppa--Earl grey would have been brilliant right then.

"We have yet to perform our start of the year prank."

"Brilliant, Wormy. And this year we'll give the Ravenclaws a taste of revenge for going at one of our own."

The malicious gleam in Sirius's eyes told Renata there was no talking him out of that.

And you know, she found she didn't really want to.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual disclaimers apply!
> 
> What do you guys think so far? Is it worth continuing or is it just falling flat? I'm desperate for feedback, hook a writer up with all your lovely constructive criticism!

"Is this really the level we've sunk to?" Renata asks the boys, one eyebrow quirked as she reads over James's messy scrawl, Peter's nearly illegible contributions (after years of practice, it's almost become Marauder code), and Sirius's very prim, proper, and poised additions and corrections. This is how it's always been. The boys do the planning and wait for her approval and enhancements--most of the time, anyway. Some of the time they don't even bother showing her their plans as she was often the only one of them with sense to try and stop the more outrageous of their ideas.

"What's wrong with it?" 

Sirius looked decidedly put out as Renata raises an eyebrow and snorts.

"You want to play the warbling of Celestina Warbeck all bloody day over the speaker system? That's not a prank Sirius, that's torture."

Renata crumpled their plans and bounced the paper off of Prongs's head and ignored the terribly affronted look on James's face. She knew what he was thinking--the sun shone out his bloody arse and if James Potter thought it was a brilliant plan, then it _had_ to be because he was James bloody Potter, after all.

"You lot have lost your touch," her words are quiet and, very obviously untrue, but the outrage that spews from James and Sirius is the very reaction she was looking for. Peter, on the other hand, seems to be well aware of what she's up to and sits silently with a small grin.

"I feel personally attacked," said James dramatically, and his hair seemed to fall as flat as his affect.

"Horribly assaulted, it's like you don't know us at all," quipped Sirius, his arms crossed in protest over his chest, as if it might maker her change the verdict.

"Might be you'll just have to think up something better to prove me wrong," Renata shrugged her shoulders and headed for the stairs to the Common Room, "Find me when you do but please, Pete, make sure it's actually something _good,_ " she pauses on the landing to listen to them bicker and half expects"::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::+

Sirius to put one of his rotten Celestina records on the player he'd stolen from home--as it was magic made, it functioned perfectly inside Hogwarts. He'd gone through a phase towards the end of last year, bellowing love-ballads and broken hearted ones at the top of his lungs, all throughout the Gryffindor Common Room when he was in one of his...moods.

James and Sirius stare after her, mouths gaping wide enough that an entire family of flies could have moved in during the interim. They stare at one another next, as if at a loss for words.

At long last Peter sighs, snapping James and Sirius out of their shocked stares after her, "She is partially right, you know. Nobody likes Celestina Warbeck...it was kind of weak," he murmured, almost as if he was afraid they would actually hear him. Sirius stared at Pete dumbfounded, while James's right hand flew to his chest in horror.

"Merlin, I forgot how bloody fucking...quiet and witty she is. It's like it sneaks up on you because she rarely speaks loud enough for anyone but us to hear it..." Sirius trails off, still looking as if he was desperate in thought. There had been plenty of times in class that she would make a comment or a joke that only the Marauders were close enough to hear. It would leave them choking through tears of laughter, well the rest of the room looked on curiously--and some a bit annoyed.

"When she does let us have it, it's just...fucking mean!" James blurted and ruffled his fingers through his hair, "Back to the drawing board, I suppose," and Sirius nodded in agreement, plunging the three of them into silence once again as they sorted through their thoughts, "We'll show her..." he mutters and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he filters the Golden Snitch he'd knicked years ago from his pocket. He claimed it made him think better, Sirius was convinced he just thought better when he felt like he was being _cool._

They sit in silence for a while and then it's Peter who speaks.

"What's that charm, the _germy_ one?"

Sirius furrows his eyebrows at him and looks almost murderous, like he might punch or berate Pete for opening his mouth.

"The _Gemino_ charm?" James tries and stops Sirius from launching across the room.

"Yeah, it multiplies--"

"You bloody fuckin' _genius_ , Wormtail!" James launches out of his bed and gives Peter a smack upside the head, gentle and more affectionate than cruel or belittling. 

Sirius smirks and nods his approval, which Wormtail looks positively pleased about, "We'll cast it in all the classrooms early--cauldrons, potion ingredients, Flitwick's fucking feathers! And--" Sirius reached to his night stand and opened the drawer where he fumbled around a bit. When he retrieved what he was looking for he pitched it across the room at James who snorted, "Muggle contraception--condams, they call them."

"Condems," Peter corrects quickly before he continues on, "And during breakfast as well! We'll cast it on plates and goblets and pitchers and the whole bloody room will be unsuspecting--" Wormtail adds helpfully.

"Did Circe kiss you in your sleep last night, Wormy?" Sirius wonders idly, curious as to where this stroke of genius came from. Pete flushes and gets off his own bed. When he reaches the door out of the dormitory he turns back to explain where he's headed, "Ought to tell Ren, she's the best at casting it, and it's not a prank that'll hurt or embarrass anyone so...she'll get behind it, won't she?"

James and Sirius nod, tripping over one another as the fight their way towards the door, nearly barreling through Peter who has to grab the railing to keep himself from falling down the stairs. All three of them are grinning and panting when they find her tucked into her favorite armchair nearest the fire. She has a book with her but it's merely centimeters before it's about to slip out of her hands. Pete retrieves it and sets it down.

Sirius can't help but stare at her, the way the firelight flickers over and warms her face, the bit of color in her cheeks that seems to have returned since the fucking Edgecombe situation was taken care of. It was the end of the first full week of classes and things seemed to be almost entirely normal. Well, everything but him seemed to be normal. He has begun to notice more and more about her. Like how he likes her hair best as it it now, pulled into a long, loose braid while tiny, messy wisps of hair frame her face. 

She looks stunning and Sirius nearly runs from the Common Room at the thought. This is Moony--his best mate! They'd slept in the same bed, platonically of course. He healed her half naked after nasty Full's, and she'd been the one to give him tips on how to _really touch_ a girl back when they were in fourth year--what was wrong with him?

"How much do you think we can stack on top of her before she wakes up?" Sirius blurts then, as a distraction much to the others chagrin. They begin the card-house of sorts with objects lying around the Common Room, stacking them as high and complicated as they can manage without waking her. Every time she shifts, almost imperceptibly, they each dive behind something as if to hide. There are few others in the Common Room as well, offering up their own things for the boys to use as the tower grows precariously tall. A challenge if Sirius ever saw one. At one point, James has Peter dangling upside down by his ankle near the ceiling reaching with a Christmas tree topper (that had been transformed from a book). When it's finished, Curtis Creevey steps forward with his fancy muggle Polaroid camera and snaps a photo which he hands dutifully to Sirius and instructs him to shake it out.

Then, James steps forward and whispers in Moony's ear, "Oi, Moon, get up, we've got the prank of the century--"

She rouses slowly, quickly realizing the predicament she's in and looks around the closest obstruction and locks eyes with Sirius as the rest of the room is busting up in laughter, "You lot are the worst sort of evil," she mumbles lowly, though she can't help the smile on her face from growing as she very, very slowly and carefully slips her feet onto the floor and slides lower and lower in the armchair. Sirius can't pull his eyes from where her sweater raises, exposing a creamy, smooth expanse of her stomach. As her shirt raises, more of her scars show through and he tries his hardest not to feel enraged by the yellow-purple finger shaped bruises on her hip, no doubt still healing from Edgecombe.

She manages to escape their trap smiles at the room as they applaud her svelte skills, plucks her book from the ground and flicks her wand a few times, dispersing the contents of the tower back to their original spots and previous owners, "I hope that wasn't your genius prank--"

"Hush, Moony, we must discuss this privately, to the spot!" James choruses and Peter repeats it in agreement. Sirius shoves his hands in his pockets and follows with a sigh, trying to push the thoughts he was having as far from his head as he could manage, what with Renata's arm bumping against his on occasion while they walked.

"Have you not learned to walk in a straight line?" He blurts in annoyance before he can stop himself. Renata turns her head to grill him, her eyebrows raised curiously, but says nothing and does her best to steer clear of Sirius Black's bloody way. After a while, Renata realizes they're heading towards the library.

"Merlin, what sort of prank is this if we need research?" She wonders curiously, looking at Peter for an answer as she's annoyed with Sirius's attitude and hardly expects a straight shot answer from James.

"Well, we've all got to learn the _Germynino_ \--"

" _Gemino_ , Pete," Sirius mutters the correction.

"--charm in order to carry this out. We've only got till tomorrow to get it right, seeing as the prank of the year--"

"Must be carried out the first week, so we Solemnly Swear," James finishes for him as they head into the library and Renata leads the way to the section she knows the books about multiplication charms are. She begins pulling them and passing them off listlessly behind her to Sirius, who hands them to James who, naturally, hands them to Peter. When she turns around Wormtail's face is covered by all the books she's pulled. Ren rolls her eyes and lifts half the stack from him as she mutters complaints about the other two, who smirk and grin and nudge one another along the way. Sirius pokes her side, illiciting a sort of laugh-shout of protest and she drops her books on the nearest table to turn around and give him a piece of her mind.

But that's when she see's _him_. Head bent low over  _Lupine Lawlessness_ as he whispered to Damocles Belby, who had his own head bent of  _Lycanthropy: Strengths and Weaknesses._ The pair of them seemed to be having a heated debate.  _Lupine Lawlessness--_ she thinks bitterly to herself, the book that details exactly why someone like her, why any werewolf was undeserving of life. She felt cold, clammy, and careless. She took a determined step forward with her wand drawn, ready to set the book before Lennox on fire but Sirius is there first and tears the text from him himself.

"You barbaric little fuck--" Sirius hisses, his upper lip curling with a snarl as he eyes the page Lennox had been reading, " _Ways to kill a werewolf_ ," Sirius drops the book to the floor and flicks his wand, incinerating it immediately, "We had a talk about this, didn't we, Edgecombe?"

"It's not what you think--" Lennox starts in protest and stands as Damocles pulls his book to his chest for safe keeping. Renata notices the other books next to him, potion books and books about potion ingredients, listing all their properties, "Damocles is trying to--"

"I don't much care what you fucking  _crows_ are up to, get  _out of my sight,_ lest I have to make you," and there is something horribly, terribly  _Black_ in his voice. His authority is not going to go unnoticed, as the fierceness in his eyes and the menacing tone of his voice has second years sitting at their own table behind them cowering. Sirius is used to getting what he wants, in some respect. He knows how to project the authoritative, cruel, unforgiving air of his family, whether or not he doesn't mean a word of it or want anything to do with them. He knows how to use it to his advantage. Especially to protect a friend.

When it looks as if Lennox is going to protest, James steps forward as well, "Need I remind you about our meeting with Dumbledore?"

Lennox goes sheet-white and Renata averts her eyes. Neither James nor Sirius had told her what had happened. Even Peter had refused and turned bright red and slipped away with some excuse to avoid her.

"Really, if you'd like a reminder, we'd be happy to oblige you--" Sirius starts.

Renata steps forward between them and ignores the way Peter tries to stop her, "Enough, this is over. They're leaving," and she turned to stare at Lenny hard, Damocles has already brought his books to the front and has begun to check them out. Lennox stares back at her, something  _sad_ in his eyes, like he wants to say something to her, "Not  _now_."

And then he's gone, following after Belby as he leaves the library with little more than a look over his shoulder.

"Not now," Sirius repeats and then again, "Not _now_? Are you out of your fucking mind? After what he did with you you're going to entertain the notion of speaking with him again? He was just reading a book about _how to kill you_ , Renata--"

"Shut  _up_ , Sirius, everyone can bloody hear you!" Renata snaps, sudden rage in her tone, "Maybe they're--"

"You're fucking naive," Sirius spits back at her angrily and dismisses her with a wave of his hand.

Renata's jaw drops at the cruelty in his tone and the way he writes her off without another look already turning to open one of the books she's pulled. And she knows, usually, she's just supposed to roll her eyes and suck it up. She's just supposed to take it. Sirius is always moody, and he's always being rude whenever he wants and really, they should all be used to it by now.

But suddenly she's angry and she smacks the book out of his hand and is in his face, "And you're a pompous prat, Sirius Black. This is your fault because you couldn't keep it in your bloody pants during a stupid, stupid game of  _truth or dare_. I hope you're happy with yourself because, just to spite you, I'm going to go speak with both of them and apologize for your spoiled, self-centered agenda. Merlin,  _my furry little problem_ isn't yours to handle. How fucking  _long_ is it going to take for you to get that? Or should I ask  _Snape?"_ And she knows she's crossed a line, but Sirius never has a problem crossing them whenever he wants as many times as he wants. There last fight, the biggest one they'd ever had had been in fifth year, when Sirius had stupidly, rashly tempted Snape to try and visit her in the Shrieking Shack--he'd been cruel and cold and utterly reckless. Hadn't thought about her, only himself.

And now felt like much the same.

"Moony--" Sirius started and reached for her as she pulled away.

"Don't  _bother_ ," she snapped, "And you lot can figure this out on your own."

At that, she turns from them all and stalks out of the library, making the trek up the steps towards Ravenclaw tower where she feels compelled to apologize to Belby, at least. And...part of her wanted desperately to hear what Lennox had to say to her, because he had look painfully like he wanted to say something...anything to get her to listen.

A larger part of her realized she was acting this way, being so reckless and all, because she wanted Sirius to feel bad. She wanted him to feel guilty. Wanted him to know that he had pushed her to this point of toxicity, to the point that she was answering the riddle in order to get into Ravenclaw Common Room in order so she could seek out  _Lennox_. Lennox who had smack her 'round a week ago. Lennox who had called her all sorts of names--Renny swallowed thickly as she passed through the portrait ( _The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it? ...A coffin?_ )

In the common room she surveys her surroundings--he's not here. Emmeline comes up to her, smiling brightly, "Oh, Ren! Are you here for Lenny? I was hoping you two might make up--he and Damocles are up in their rooms."

Renata smiled and nodded and took the stairs two at a time. Once outside the Seventh year room she hesitated, fear suddenly striking her core. She knocked anyway and entered as soon as Belby told her to. Damocles was a sixth year, but the most brilliant Ravenclaw at Hogwarts, she knew. He was talented in potions and took private lessons with Professor Slughorn.

"Ren?" Lenox blurted, shock written across his face.

"I--I just wanted to apologize. Sirius shouldn't have--it was--what were you going to say to me?" Because that was why she was here, wasn't it?

"Lennox told me."

Renata nearly launched across the room and killed him, but Belby went on, "About your mother. Said you often leave school once a month to take care of her...and I just...my grandfather was a werewolf. He...he died over the summer and the pain he was in was immeasurable. I thought...when Lennox told me, I thought we could try and come up with a potion or something. Something your mum could take around the Full. Something that would let her keep her human mind about her. It might make the pain less," and Damocles was so earnest, so heartfelt there were tears in his eyes. And then tears in hers. 

She was speechless, she didn't have the capacity to even offer a thank you.

"Could you give us a mo', Damocles?" Lennox asked quietly and Belby nodded, squeezing her shoulder on the way out.

"Is that true? You--"

"Yes, Ren. Yes--I..." Lennox buried his face in his hands, "I was raised differently. My father grew up in a town where werewolves attacked one summer and he--he  _hates_ them, he raised me to hate them. And not just the regular kind of hate but--the sort where I believed you were less than me. Not even a person--and all that shit about training you...it was what he used to say. When I found out about you, it all...it just snapped again. But I--I really care about you. I still do. As soon as I realized how horrible I'd become, after speaking with Dumbledore...I just wanted to help. And I knew Damocles could help. If he can come up with a potion, if I can help him brew it--" Lennox looked up at her then, tears in his eyes, "If it could help you when you turn...to keep you calm, to keep your from cutting yourself up, from thinking you're some monster...maybe there will be hope for us after all."

And even though she hated him, hated him for what he'd done to her. She couldn't dismiss the kindness in his voice, the sincerity of his plan--the fact that he was doing this for her, for them, "We can't--the boys would never let me--"

"I know. I don't expect them to. I understand. I just want to help you. Even if we can't be together. I've spoken to Dumbledore about it, I told him what I'm trying to do. He knows I'm remorseful, you can even ask him--"

Renata shook her head. She wouldn't bother Dumbledore anymore, not with this. It was becoming too much of a burden. 

"Will you...can you show me what you have come up with so far?" She asked softly, so quietly she wasn't sure he had even heard it until he stood from his bed and gestured for her to sit, giving her enough space away from him that she didn't feel trapped or threatened. He laid a roll of parchment in her lap.

"I wasn't reading that book today to learn how to...hurt you, or anything. I was reading it so we could learn what hurts werewolves and how we can counter it. Those are going to be the ingredients that build the base of the potion. We might not be able to stop the transformation--but Damocles is certain he can stop your mind from turning--or, rather, your mothers. Sorry about that, by the way. I--"

"No, it's alright. I appreciate it, as long as he--"

"He'd never. Never. Honest, his grandfather--he saw all of it, all the time. And I wouldn't either, I know I was horrible, awful--but I was just...I was jealous and trying to use what I knew so I could hurt you but--" Lennox sighed and shook his head, "I was wrong. So wrong. I'll change, I'll get better--I'll prove it to you."

"I didn't come here to get back together, Lennox," she insisted as she read over the parchment he'd given her, nodding at certain parts and furrowing her eyebrows at others.

"I know. I just wanted to tell you that," he watched her as she read, "Hey, why don't you take that with you. You can add things in, if you'd like. Correct what we've got--any information you have personally would be really, really helpful--"

"I...yeah. Sure. I think I will."

Renata stood then and started for the door, she cast a smile over her shoulder and Lennox gave her a wave.

"I...we aren’t friends, Lennox. Don’t get this confused, alright?”

He pursed his lips at that, a flash of bitter annoyance in his eyes and bid her a silent goodbye. 

 

 

Once back in Gryffindor tower she took up her typical armchair and used her wand in place of a quill to add or corrects bits and pieces here and there. She relayed the symptoms more accurately, detailed the after effects of a transformation, listed the ways in which she forgot herself during the Full. It was such a stupid pipe dream, she knew that. So pathetic to think that there could ever be a cure or something to make this ailment less painful--but she wanted to believe in it. She wanted to have a chance at something. If she helped them, or gave them key information for the potion...Renata smiled softly to herself as she read of Lennox's tidy scrawl. 

_Being a werewolf doesn't change the human behind it._

She knew she could never trust him again, or forgive him for the way he'd hurt her but--a lot of people were terrified by Werewolves. A lot of people thought her a monster. After Hogwarts, she'd never have a chance at a job or career, she'd be spat on and looked at as something horrible and disgusting. Once they injected the trace in her as well--she'd forever be marked as something rotten. Something to be rid of. Even her own father growing up, before Fenrir had taken his revenge, he had said that werewolves didn't deserve to live.

How could she hold what Lennox had done to her against him?

If anything, she deserved it. He had said it himself--he'd only been trying to train the beast within and, perhaps he'd had a point. Renata shook the thought. Refused to let herself think like that in the moment. She couldn't grow so weak, could not trust Lennox after how he'd hit her. But...truthfully, a part of her understood completely. And another part of her was starting to believe she deserved it. Not that she could ever admit that to any of the Marauders, or her parents. They'd want to flay her alive for it. Renata rolled the parchment up and charmed it to stay sealed until she handed it back to Lennox.

She spent the rest of her night staring into the fire, wondering what life would be like if she could take a potion that would keep her tame. Keep her from hurting anyone else--

"Moony?" 

She knew it was Sirius without even turning to look over the back of the chair. He sat on the arm of it and looked down at her with a sheepish look on his face.

"I didn't--I'm sorry if--"

"Forget it, Sirius. Let's just forget it."

He wedged himself onto the chair and pulled her into his lap, "Did you go and...see him?"

She sighed and nodded, "It was...it was fine. Honest. He got to explain himself a bit. He and Belby are going to invent a potion to help my mum's transformations--"

Sirius looked at her incredulously, causing her to laugh, "Your--what?"

"Lennox told Belby my mum was a werewolf and that that's why I leave once a month. Belby's grandfather was a werewolf and passed away over the summer. He's got a bit of a soft spot right now, I expect. And I think Len is trying to redeem himself. He...he had a pretty decent explanation for his behavior--I'm not saying I forgive him, just that I get it. And I appreciate the lengths he's going to to try and help me," Renata admitted, toying with the ends of Sirius's hair mindlessly as she stared off into the flames.

"Don't you ever forgive him, Ren. The things he did to you--"

"I know, Padfoot, I know. But just...please lay off of him, alright? Just let it lie. We have enough to worry about with...everything.” And they both knew she wasn’t referring to NEWT’s or finding careers—the incident on the train was foreboding. It felt closer now—the end of the peaceful facade they had been comfortable enough to live in while at Hogwarts.

Alas, she probably should've known better. Should've known that Sirius Black would never be the type to "let it lie". Especially if he was specifically told to do so.

 

 

 

She and Sirius had spent most of the night like that. Finally, they'd gotten time to properly catch up. The only time Sirius had refused to speak about something was when Renata had brought up Regulus. She should've known better, really. Sirius's family had been a taboo topic since 5th year, as Peter liked to call it "When Shit Hit the Fan". 

They fell asleep somewhere in the realm of 3 o'clock, only hours later James and Peter were prodding them awake, telling them they had to get started on charming the dishes in the Great Hall if they wanted breakfast to be a success and still have enough time to make their mark on the rest of the classrooms before anyone noticed they were missing. It was going to be a bloody mess, especially considering James and Sirius had also come across a spell that, once cast on an object that was consequently touched, would subject the user to fits of laughter or uncontrollable dance. Multiply that by every bloody copy  that would be germinating around them and the entire hall would be a mess of laugh and dance before they even got their wits about them long enough to cast the counter curse.

And, naturally, James and Sirius had given Peeves a few multiplying Dumgbombs to use as he so pleased throughout that day, so long as it wasn't on Lily or the Marauders.

"It makes more sense if we split up," Ren told them as they slipped quietly from the Great Hall, "Pete and I will do Potions, Transfiguration, and..." she mused for a second, "Divination. You two can take Charms, Defense, and Ancient Runes. We can meet in two hours at the Astronomy tower...and if we're feeling ambitious we can stop for Arithmancy before we trek to the greenhouses?" 

James and Sirius mulled this over and nodded finally in agreement, "You two take the cloak--Wormtail can transform if need be and well, Padfoot and I know the secret passageways better."

"I solemnly swear--" Peter started with a cheeky grin on his face.

"That I am up to--" James added.

"No good," Ren and Sirius finished together before they all took off in their appointed directions.

Renata and Peter walking in comfortable silence, comfortable enough anyway. It seemed like Pete was gnawing on something he didn’t know how to say to her. It wasn’t until they’d finished the first classroom that Ren finally turned to him, “Something on your mind?”

Peter looked up in mild shock, as if he thought he had exercised an appropriate poker face. “Well...” he sighed as they opened the door to the next classroom and she silently set about her work, “What’s going on between you and Padfoot?”

Renata hesitated, her hand nearly coming down on the quill she’d just charmed, “Between—what?” She turned to face him, “Nothing, I—“

”Ever since truth or dare it’s like...something has changed. You either want to kill each other or...well, Prongs and I were saying you might snog again.”

She spluttered, her words caught in her throat, “That’s ridiculous, we’re not going to snog again, Wormtail,” she insisted with a shake of her head and made a mental note to speak to James about this when she had a chance.

”Maybe you should...Pads might...well, I think he’s got feelings for you, maybe.”

Renata let out a laugh, though he words triggered something in the back of her mind she couldn’t quite shake. Did Sirius really...have feelings for her? She didn’t think anything had changed! They were always affectionate—always close. And not in the same way that he and Prongs were like brothers, each one half of a whole. No, they were different—but...relationship different? 

Her thoughts jumped briefly to the Veritaserum and how it had made her spill the truth to Lennox, how she had enjoyed the kiss, how she would do it again. But that was just because they’d been drunk and it had been a nice snog! That didn’t mean—did it?

”Fuck,” she mumbled, more to herself than to Peter as they continued working. 

“Yeah. Sorry to bring it up, it’s just...you’ve both been weird, I had to say something. I expect James might also,” Peter admitted, rubbing the back of his neck like he knew something. Ren didn’t push him on it, she’d grant them both that reprieve. 

 

 

 

When they met at the Astronomy tower later, James and Sirius abruptly stopped speaking the moment the door opened. Renata raised an eyebrow but said nothing, “We managed Arithmancy already,” James informed them brightly, running his hand through hair furthering its intensely messy appearance. 

Sirius was unusually quiet, Renata noticed. Part of her wondered whether James and Peter had planned this mild intervention. The thought made her uncomfortable. And it had nothing to do with Sirius, more so that someone (two someone’s) had noticed something about her that she had been oblivious to—unconsciously trying to be oblivious to, anyway. The Marauders would always come first. Holding onto their friendship when she'd tried her best to isolate herself, when she’d been so against making any friends in the first place...having feelings for Sirius could ruin that. Could ruin them. 

Renata wouldn’t. And besides, what sort of life would that be for Sirius? To be inlove with a werewolf—

Oh fucksake, she thought bitterly to herself, I’m getting too far ahead of myself.

It was nothing. Wasn’t it? 

They were all staring at her then, and she realized she’d missed what was apparently a Very Serious Question.

”Sorry—what?”

”How dare she!” Sirius boomed crossing his arms over his chest, “The most important thing we’ll do all year and she isn’t even focused!”

”Blasphemy!” James agreed quickly, smacking his hand against the nearest telescope...which consequently sprouted replicas. Which incidentally hit Wormtail’s foot and sprouted infinitely more.

”We should get out of here—“

As they scuffled for the door, Sirius tripped and sprouted even more and found himself briefly buried underneath, “Go on without me, I’ll never make it out alive!”

Ren laughed as James struggled to pull Sirius to his feet, “No man gets left behind!”

They were in fits when Filch found them at the base of the astronomy tower steps, scowling with Mrs. Norris in his arms who hissed at the sight of Renata.

”Oh, Argus—always a pleasure!” James started in, his Head Boy charm bursting out of him, “I was just escorting these three back to the dormitory, last minute Astronomy project, you see. I didn’t want them going up here so late at night _Stag_.”

”Would have been a _dog_ -gone time, really—but he insisted.”

”No way to _worm_ our _tails_ out of it.”

”You should see the sky at night, so _Moony_.”

And at that, before Argus could go on, they took off at a run together and didn’t stop running until they reached the Common Room and collapsed in laughter against each nearest cushion. 

“Did you see his face?” Peter warbled through near tears cross legged on the floor with his forearms resting on his knees. 

“Thought he was about to piss himself—“

”—with that rage dance he was doing!” Sirius finished for James, who already had his hand in his hair, ruffling it reflexively. 

“Tomorrow will be...eventful,” Ren concedes thoughtfully with a yawn that muddled the last worded. She stood and stretched, her jumper lifting to reveal a web of scars that made Sirius wince internally, for he knew that James and Peter knew that he felt something more for Renata then he ever dared to admit, “I’m off to bed, you lot should try and catch the last two hours before breakfast, yeah?”

In exhausted agreement they dispersed, but not before Sirius gave her hand a squeeze and a wink only she saw. Her cheeks burned red hot as she took the stairs two at a time to her dorm and dropped into bed, where she fell asleep to thoughts of Sirius and how his lips had felt against hers only a few days ago.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sup lads!
> 
> Sorry for the long delay--I've been getting killed at work which has pretty much destroyed my muse. But I'm still continuing this, as long as it takes!
> 
> Would absolutely appreciate your comments/critique! Happy reading <3
> 
> Er and I’m also sorry that it seems the only stories I’m capable of writing are full of dark angst and horrible pain. Trigger warning for sexual assault ahead.

As per usual, Dumbledore started breakfast off with a few curious words to "open the mind" and "inspire creativity" for the day to come. Renata was sure he flicked his wand at a muggle dictionary at any random page and had the strangest combination of words selected automatically for this very purpose. 

Of course, she was the only one paying attention to Dumbledore as the rest of the Marauders were waiting for the first unlucky soul to pick up a fork or touch their goblet. 

Lily had just turned to her, "Rawky, rug rat, snollygaster, wabbit?" She repeated, entirely bewildered and half in thought as she reached to serve herself some eggs. Renata had her lips pursed, as she remembered Sirius had charmed this exact place-setting. The moment Lily touched her fork--

"Odd sort of genius, isn't he?" Ren agreed, biting her lip and punching Sirius's thigh--

_CHING-CLANG-CHING!_

The hall erupted instantaneously, the moment everyone began to reach for pumpkin juice or silverware, shouts of surprise, a few curses--Hagrid was shielding Professor McGonogall from the goblets that threatened to swallow her whole. Slughorn was up to his neck in serving spoons while Dumbledore looked around curiously, a mischevious twinkle in his eyes as they fell on the Marauders who were laughing with tears in their eyes, miraculously untouched by overwhelming amount of multiplying silverware. Renata couldn’t help but feel mildly satisfied as Lennox and his mates were dwarfed by place settings—and she vaguely remembered Sirius taking particular interest in the Ravenclaw table only a few hours ago.

”A mild form of revenge, you see,” Sirius’s lips whispered in her ear, “Just wait till he starts—“

At that, Lennox began to sing and well, really sing. The Hogwarts school song burst out of him like some horrible rendition sung by a terrible Barry White—Renata clapped a hand over her mouth to hide her laughter. A harmless prank, but enjoyable all the same. Sirius hadn't crossed a line this time, for that she was impressed. And grateful. It wasn’t until Lenny made eye contact with her that she felt a pit drop in her stomach.  _Had_ it been a step too far? They had made amends of sorts, after all.

His eyes held that same dark look they’d had before, when he’d hurt her. His face was red, both from embarrassment and exertion. He didn’t take his eyes off her the whole time. With the rest of the Great Hall in chaos, she flicked her wand in his direction and non-verbally cast a finite charm to reverse the effects as the rest of their professors attempted the same in each new explosion of cutlery and goblets.

Lennox made a beeline for the door and, with guilt weighing her down, Renata followed at his heels ignoring the calls behind her. 

Laughter followed her out into the entrance hall and filled the expanse of space all the way up to the cavernous ceilings, only to immediately grow silent as she let the large, heavy oak doors shut deftly behind her. Lennox was not far, she saw, fumbling with his wand as he tried to gather himself, face pinched and bright red with embarrassment. 

“Len, I’m so sorry—I had no idea that they’d—“ He held up a hand to silence her, anger ebbing through his features. She hesitated before moving closer to him and was relieved to see a tight smile on his lips. “Len—?"

"A good prank, I must admit but—“ she held her breath, chest tight as she awaited his oncoming explosion, “—I have an awful singing voice. Truly an embarrassing moment for an Edgecombe,” he let out a laugh and a sigh—at least until she saw how tightly she had her arms wrapped around herself. And how sharply she flinched when he reached for her, “Oh no, Renny—Merlin, I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. You’re terrified of me, aren’t you?” She swallowed thickly and refused to answer, refused to make eye contact with him either.

Slowly, gingerly, he reached to pull her into his arms. It took a few beats too long for her to feel comfortable, but before he could pull away she wrapped her arms around him and she swears she can hear the smile on his lips.

“I’ll never hurt you again, Ren. I swear it, I’m changing. I was wrong. I've got to do better."

She nodded against his chest, goosebumps rose when he tucked his head against her shoulder and a breath of warm air touched her skin, shortly before his lips left an impression as well. It was a bit too much, too close for comfort, and so she pulled away before he took any other liberties, “You’re going to want to be careful all day...we, er...we’ve covered the entire castle. A simple finite should stop it.” 

This time, Lennox truly laughed, “Your friends I may...dislike for this, but you are a remarkable witch.” 

She smiles, her cheeks flushed, and just before they reenter the Great Hall she gives his hand a quick squeeze, a leap of unwarranted faith, and joins him at Ravenclaw table—just the pair of them, for the end of breakfast. She feels a pair of eyes on her and looks up, not towards Gryffindor table, but towards their Professors. Dumbledore is watching her quizzically until she catches his eye, to which he gives her a smile and a single nod, as if in understanding or...acceptance. It makes her feel better about this.

 

 

The first lessons of the day are an absolute horror—it wasn’t until Dumbledore’s voice boomed through every room and announced that lessons would be cancelled for the rest of the day that the chaos seized. All the professors were undoubtedly de-jinxing their classrooms while the rest of the student body was able to enjoy the last warm rays of summer. The weather in Scotland changed as quickly as the wind—surely, the following weeks would become brisk and cold, and as soon as they adjusted, the bitter chill would set in. Gone would be walks around the castle (lest you knew how to cast a warming charm on yourself).

It had been dubbed the best Marauder prank.

Renata found herself very fond of it, too, as she sat with Lily, Marlene, and Dorcas alongside the lake as the Giant Squid showed off for them (or Dorcas, mainly, as the creature had taken a strange affinity to her first year when she fell in while trying to say hello.) Alice was off with Frank Longbottom, which Renny found was an incredibly sweet pairing, as Alice and he had to be among some of the kindest people she'd ever met.

”At least the weekend started early,” Marlene murmured, her tone lazy and bored as Renata braided her hair mindlessly, occasionally tilting her chin up towards the sun to catch its warmth.

”Thank Merlin-“ Dorcas quipped, her quill sweeping handlessly through her journal, detailing the events of the day, no doubt.

Ren hummed softly to herself, a song that Sirius has been belting in the common room the night before...Led Zeppelin, he’d called it.

“What was that at breakfast, Renny?” Lily’s voice cut pointedly through the lazy chatter between them and Renata dropped her hands to her lap as Marlene sat up and shook out her loose braids. It appeared that Lily had been waiting to ask her this for a while and had finally grown tired of waiting for the conversation to turn of its own accord.

”What—?”

”Don’t insult me, Ren—with Edgecombe, I thought you were done with him?” Lily’s tone was harsh with meaning and Renata’s gaze was unwavering, equally as challenging as the red heads own. She knew the sharpness in Lily's voice was there out of concern and she did her best not to feel offended.

”We are done, Merlin, we can be friends—“

”No, you cant’t! James told me—“

”Oh, James, is it? For the past six years it’s been Potter or “arrogant toe-rag”—“ Renata but her lip to keep herself from snapping, “I think you ought to trust my judgement, since we’ve been friends from first year, and you’ve only just decided James is worth your time.”

”That’s—you know I had every right—“

”Yes, Lily, I know you did. As I have every right to forgive Lennox and maintain a friendship.”

”Stop it, guys—“ Dorcas started helplessly.

”You’re being thick, Ren—he hurt you—“

”What?” Marlene spat, quick to hone in. Renata rolled her eyes—as if the three of them and Alice...and probably Emmeline hadn’t already discussed what Lily had seen at the start of term.

”I’m going for a walk,” Renata muttered, already on her feet and moving quickly in any direction that would remove her from them. She was tired of being judged—by her friends, no less! She was already set up to be judged by the entirety of society for the rest of her life, once she left Hogwarts and had to submit to the trace (and the unspoken blacklist for any and all careers she may have wanted to pursue). She certainly didn’t need Lily or Marlene questioning who she thought she could trust...or forgive.

Especially not when it came to Lennox—he’d explained himself to her. He was trying to help her, by all the gods, he was trying to do something that would make her lycanthropy less painful. Something the girls didn’t even know about. They couldn’t begin to understand why she’d made this choice. 

As she came upon the greenhouses, Renata found herself measurably calmer. Time and space always did her well. It gave her a moment to process, to move on, and to forget. It was the best way for her to cope. She couldn’t hold a grudge, couldn’t ever truly be mad at anyone—she wasn’t in the realm of picking and choosing her friends when once the thought of having friends hadn’t even been a possibility.

It was why she’d been able to forgive Sirius their fifth year. Snape had so earnestly and intentionally gotten under his skin, had even used Regulus to do it. Sirius has been thoughtless—absolutely! But he hadn’t done it to hurt her. That, that she could forgive. She supposed it must come with the territory of being...what she was.

Renata hadn’t realized there were tears staining her cheeks until a breeze passed through the greenhouse she was standing in and chilled each streak down her cheek. She reached up hastily to wipe the tracks but was caught off guard by giggling just around the bed of Vernacula beds, growing contained and charmed to keep their tentacles to themselves. 

She tried to retreat, but in her haste she banged against one of the shelves and knocked an empty ceramic pot over. It shattered noisily against the compact dirt ground and gave away her position—whilst startling the two who were hiding away to snog and—well, who knew what else?

”Sorry—fuck, shit, sorry. I didn’t know anyone was—“

She froze at the sight of Sirius, tie missing and buttons haphazardly re-knit. A pretty blonde Hufflepuff—Beatrice Podmore, she realized, was hiding horribly behind him.

”Moony—“

”Honestly, m’sorry, I just wanted some air and—er...bye!” She sputtered quickly and turned on her heel, looping her extra worn sweater sleeves over her clenched fists. She did her best to ignore the tears leaking from the corner of her eyes—why did they...no, he! Sirius Black! Of all people, need to be who she stumble upon? Why did he, of all people, seem to be waiting around every corner when she was in the middle of a breakdown?

It made her feel so impossibly stupid! 

“Ren?” His voice startled her to a stop, he collided with her back and the shocking force of it sent them sprawling, “Oi—the fuck you doin’, stopping short like that, Merlin—“

”What are you doing chasing after me?” She snapped back quickly, rolling over onto her backside and using her arms to push herself away from him—though he was still impossibly close. She could see his snog swollen lips all too clearly—it inspired some sort of rage in her. “You stink, Padfoot, piss off--” and he did stink, like lust and...dirt.

”What is your prob—have you been crying?” His face warped from annoyed to concerned, all sharp tone and harshness dissipated from his words and he reached for her in a way that egged her on further.

”It’s nothing, Pads, shove off. I went for a walk to be alone—“ she waved her hand in the direction of the greenhouses, “If I’d known you were here I would’ve gone somewhere else.”

Sirius mulled this over for a long, very long, silent second, “One of Moony’s-moody-midnight-meanders?” Renata rolled her eyes, “Y’know I can’t leave you on your own now.”

She laughed in spite of herself and quickly wiped her cheeks, “Fuck off, Black.”

”As warm an invitation as ever.”

He dropped back into the grass next to her and used his cloak to set them up with a weak excuse for a pillow—one she accepted anyway. He had his hands folded behind his head, all thoughts of Beatrice Podmore nonexistent. When she opened her mouth to ask about her, Sirius gave her a pointed side eye.

”I suppose you want to know—“

”No. No, I don’t. Let’s just stay here a while,” Sirius answered before she could finish. Of course he wanted to know why she wanted to be alone, why she was crying, why she’d been sitting with that fuckhead at breakfast, why she didn’t seem to be jealous of Beatrice the way something dormant was roaring hopeful inside of him that she would be—but he didn’t want to scare her away. He didn’t want to ruin this moment, not with the way she seemed to relax under the sun, her hair a spun burnt-gold tangle of silk, her cheeks pink from wiping away tears...the tiny quirk of her lips as he raised his hand and manipulated one of the falling leaves to land perfectly on the tip of her nose.

Let her smile instead, Sirius thought. The rest would come in time.

 

 

”So,” Sirius started as they made their way casually across the grounds towards the castle. When he didn’t go on, Renata quirked an eyebrow and shot him an encouraging look. Silently, Sirius realized this was consent to ask whatever question it was that he’d been holding on to, “Edgecombe?”

When she sighed, he rolled his eyes in response, “Come off it, Moony, you knew every one of us would ask eventually.”

”No, I know,” she shrugged and combed her fingers through her hair, “We’re not, like, back together or anything! I just felt bad because—“

”For future reference, never preface anything in regards to Edgecombe with the words ‘I feel bad’—“

”Duly noted, but really, he was...embarassed and after everything he’s trying to do for me...”

Sirius sighed and shook his head, this time he was the one to run a hand through his hair, “You’ve too good a heart, Moony.” She could see the words falling angry off of his lips, the explosion he was holding in—and she was grateful for it.

”Don’t mention the whole, er—“

”Greenhouse meltdown? Duly noted,” Sirius teased an elbow hurting out briefly to nudge her ribs. 

When they entered the Entrance Hall, they were assaulted immediately by Filch who was holding an undeniably rancid Mrs. Norris, “I don’t know how I’ll prove it, but I know it was you who provided that filthy poltergeist with a cursed stink bomb! He desecrated my cat! You’ll be strung up by your toe nails in the dungeons, like they did in the good days!” 

Sirius grabbed her by the hand and led her quickly up the stairs and away from the chaos that Filch seemed to orchestrate on a daily basis wherever he went. When they were far enough away and safely tucked into a secret passage on the second floor that sloped upwards in the general direction of Gryffindor tower, Sirius stopped pulling her along and the guilty look on his face told her all she needed to know.

”Padfoot, you didn’t! Not the cat!” Renata laughed, a hand on her chest as if she could keep her laughter at bay and hide how truly pleased she was. Renata hated cats—and though she knew it was a byproduct of her lycanthropy, she couldn’t help but feel the urge to punt that bitch of a cat down the stairs every time it crossed her path with a hiss and accusing eyes.

Sirius ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged casually, though she could see that effortless smirk of his poking through, “Mrs. Norris has a habit of being where all naughty things are taking place, doesn’t she?” 

Ren scoffed and smacked his chest with the back of her hand, he reached to pull her in and knocked her terribly off balance which caused her hand to flip and ball into a fist, clenching his shirt in order to keep herself upright. Sirius had his arms around her to hold her steady while she laughed and found that she was finally letting go of the angst that had overwhelmed her all morning.

Once she got her bearings together she met his eyes and found that he was looking at her so intensely she almost had to take a step back, “Sirius, wha—?”

Before she can articulate her confusion, Sirius’s lips are on hers, cutting off her words, her breath, and any sort of coherent thought process. His body is pressed firmly against hers and she’s pressing back. She can feel him, his lips are intoxicating and his tongue is electric when it touches hers. It barely registers to her that she's kissing him back, hard, with her hands holding tight to the fabric covering his chest.

His fingers are wound in her hair and his other arm is looped around her waist. When they part for air, Renata realizes her lips are swollen and kiss-bruised, her face feels flushed...and suddenly she’s angry.

He goes to kiss her again but she shoves him away this time before his (really quite intoxicating) kiss can distract her coherency again, “You were just practically shagging Beatrice Podmore...and now you—you’re the worst, Black, honestly! What’s wrong with you? You can’t just snog me whenever you see fit—and not when you're running around snogging everyone else too!" She rolls her eyes at him and drags the back of her hand across her lips, "Really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you?" She mutters, a bitter feeling in her chest. 

Sirius is watching her, almost amused with the outburst, “Fine then, tell me you don’t want me to snog you anymore, and I won’t, ever again.”

Renata opened her mouth to answer but found the words stuck in her throat, “I don’t want you to snog me when you’ve just had your tongue down someone else's throat!” She protested with a furious blush on her cheeks, “This is too confusing, Padfoot, it’ll mess everything up—and it’s too soon after Lennox, I—“

”Then next time you want a kiss, you’ll have to ask,” Sirius told her bluntly, a layer of finality in his voice as he turned on his heel and left her alone in the passageway to try and figure out what had just happened, and what continuously seemed to be happening.

She buried her face in her hands and dropped back against the wall where she sank to the floor with a resounding sigh. She needed time on her own, she needed to just forget, forget everything that had happened the past week. She wishes she could rewind and go back to the summer. It all seemed easier then. Everything had felt normal. And now? She was standing up to Fenrir Greyback and trying to justify why she had decided to forgive her ex-boyfriend who'd hit her! Trying to determine if she wanted Sirius to snog her senseless or just leave her alone and--

What had changed? What had gone wrong? Sirius was her best friend! Lennox had just been a stupid fling—but now he’d both hurt her physically and was suddenly trying to save her by curing her...’condition.’ Ren dropped her head against her knees and did her best to try and relax.  _Deep breath, Ren_ , she told herself gently, trying to remember what her mother had told her over the summer during a panic attack. She'd woken in a cold sweat, hyperventilating in the middle of the night just before a full moon. Each time the full moon came around she was more likely to dream about Greyback and how he'd turned her. It was a memory she could hardly remember, but her nightmares seemed to try and fill in the blanks for her. Her breathing, which had been uneven and exhausting, slowly found a calming rhythm. 

 

 

It wasn’t until she heard voices in the corridor that she realized she must have drifted off. She gathered herself as best as she could before she slipped out from behind the tapestry--and merlin, she wished she had waited an extra 5 minutes, as she found herself face to face with none other than Dolohov and Mulciber, the more sadistic of the Slytherins in their year. She reached instinctively for her wand without a second thought, but it wasn’t tucked into her jeans where she’d left it.

”Looking for this?” Mulciber drawer lazily, his eyes lit with excitement as he twirled her wand between his fingertips, “Fancy us, walking through the corridor and coming across a finely made wand with no owner in sight—“

”Give it here, I don’t have time for this,” she snapped indignantly, doing her best to hide her fear. If she had had her wand in her possession, it would've been a different story, but here she was, wandless, facing the Slytherin who had attacked Mary two years ago and his equally cruel sidekick. Renata had still never gotten the full story of what had been done to Mary, though Alice had told them all quietly a few months after it happened that Mary still woke in the middle of the night crying.

Mulciber laughed callously and looked to Dolohov who was staring at her with a hungry look in his eyes, “We don’t care what you have time for,” he says lowly and steps forward too casually to be an uncalculated decision.

”Give me my fucking wand back,” Ren snarled, “And I’ll show you cowards what I do have time for—“ she hisses dangerously, trying to sound far tougher than she feels. Mulciber laughs and lunges at her while Dolohov watches carefully, trying to determine where he might fit into this equation. She tries to dodge him but his hand tangles in her hair and she's yanked sharply against his chest.

”Such strong words for a wandless cunt—“ Dolohov mutters before he moves the tapestry aside and waits for Mulciber to manhandle her into the passageway.

”Get off of me—“

But Mulciber presses against her, pinning her to the wall, “Shame you’re a halfblood—“ he yanks her hair sharply and his teeth bite hard at her neck, leaving a painful welt, "A pretty one--"

”No one will care what happens to a slag like you—" Dolohov insisted and stands back to watch, his eyes raking over her as Mulciber tears the front of her sweater and exposes her to the both of them. She struggles and tried to cover herself, but Mulciber pins her hands above her head with one of his own. He's just so much bigger than she is, so much stronger. She's no match for him, not without a wand. Not when there's two of them.

”No—stop, please—" she starts, and continued to struggle with everything she has as the pair of them begin to loosen the belts that hold their trousers in place, “You can’t, you don’t want to do this—" Renata pleads desperately as a hand yanks at her jeans and pulls them over her hips, leaving her half naked and vulnerable, only her panties keeping her from being fully naked before them.

The silencing charm hits her and she feels helpless as Mulciber shoves her hard to the stone floor and straddles her thighs, and she's begging, desperation etched plainly in every one of her features. They can't hear her and she's crying but that only seems to spurn them on--

—one of their hands slips between her legs and she screams soundlessly, her hands strike for the pair of eyes in front of her, but her wrists are bound instantly and held above her head. She can’t tell the difference between the hands that are pawing at her bare chest, doing nothing to be kind or gentle. She can feel fingertip bruises already sinking into her hips and it must be Mulciber who drops his full weight against her and positions himself, her panties shoved aside—

Somehow, somewhere close she hears a familiar voice. Curfew must be starting because it's Lily and the laughter that bubbles from her lips, the eyerolls Renata imagines she's giving James as she rebuffs his advances to go on a date for the millionth time. They must be doing their rounds, she realizes—time had really gotten away from her earlier.

She feels sharp pain but is too focused on loosening her shoe and shifting the bulk of it from her heal to her toe. There’s more pain, tearing her apart at the core, but it’s nothing compared to a full moon—she struggles a bit more and manages to gain a little room as she bends her leg at the knee and flings her shoe as hard as she can towards the entrance where it drops with a surprisingly loud thwack. He's still thrusting into her, grunting and breathing hard against her neck, his teeth leaving as many marks behind as he can. 

She's barely with it, but she thinks she can hear James and Lily stop speaking, imagines them listening closely just at the entrance—Mulciber and Dolohov seem to panic because her hands are suddenly free, and she uses that moment to dig her nails hard into whichever face is just above her. The bite of her nails warrants a sharp shout and, suddenly, light is upon them as the tapestry is yanked aside.

Everything the happens next is a blur. Both of the Slytherins are blown backwards off of their feet, stunned into oblivion. Lily removes her robe and drapes it tightly over Renata's shoulders, doing her best to cover her as she shakes. Lily is saying something to her but she isn't able to wrap her head around the words. They just--she was just...

Thinking it would make it real. It couldn't be real. This couldn't have happened, not this. Not after the week she'd had. It just didn't make sense--her life wasn't supposed to be like this. This complicated. This painful. What had she done?

”J-James...go get Madam Pomfrey or Professor McGonogall—“ Lily says quietly, her voice trembling.

”I can’t leave these two here alone with you both!” 

“They’re stunned!” Lily nearly shrieks, her fear and panic growing stronger as Renata starts to come around from her shock.

”N-no! Don’t get anyone, I just—“ Renata tries to stand but her legs are weak, her body feels broken. She is broken, she realizes, “I just want to go to bed—“ a sob escapes her and Lily pulls her in for a hug, holding Renata’s head to her chest, distracting her long enough for James to take off at a sprint down the corridor.

He decides to head to the Hospital Wing first, but sends Sir Cadogan on a mission to summon Professor McGonogall—the Knight gallops gallantly from portrait to portrait and he knows their Head of House will receive the message faster than he would have gotten it to her. He sprints blindly around the corner, just a stretch away from the hospital wing, and collides sharply with thin air--

“Oi, watch where the fuck you—Prongs?” Suddenly, Sirius and Peter are there, sprawled out on the floor, the cloak having fallen off the pair of them in the collision. 

"How the bloody hell am I supposed to watch where I'm going when you fools are invisible?" James snaps angrily, blindly reaching around him for his glasses. He shoves them on, frustrated with the pair of them, and pushes himself to his feet. He extends a hand to Sirius, who takes it gratefully and pulls Peter up next to him a moment after, "What are you doing here?"

"We've been looking for Moony, o'course," Peter explains, "After she didn't show up for dinner and wasn't in the Common Room--I was worried. Then this idiot told me he screwed up and left her alone in--"

James turns on Sirius and, for the first time since fifth year, Sirius believes James is actually going to punch him, "You fucking moron--" Sirius opens his mouth angrily to defend himself, but James is shaking his head, "Peter, go get Madam Pomfrey, we don't have time for this now. Bring her to the second floor tapestry passageway," James commands with a firmness in his tone that leaves no room for Pete to question him. Wormtail is off at a jog, no doubt understanding the gravity of the situation.

"What happened, Prongs?" Sirius asks, his voice low.

"Mulciber and Dolohov--I think they..." James trails off yanks a hand through his hair, "Let's just go, I left Lily alone with her," Sirius doesn't need to be told twice as they both run in the direction James had just come from. McGonogall isn't there yet, but Lily has managed to help Renata stand so she can try and pull her jeans back on by the looks of it. James and Sirius both avert their eyes as Lily shields Renata from them with her body. Sirius glances up a moment later and is struck by the bruising around Renata's throat, the cloak around her shoulder's slips, revealing her sweater, torn down the front. James feels Sirius's magic, the signature is white hot--if it could scream he was certain they'd all be deaf. Sirius yanks an unconscious Mulciber into the corridor and finds that he doesn't have to go back for Dolohov, as James has followed his lead. 

Sirius doesn't draw his wand, which confuses James at first, until Sirius pulls back his leg and aims a sharp kick to Mulciber's ribs. Followed by another. And another. There's a crunch of bone and James is certain the fools ribs are broken. The pain of it, he figures, rouses Mulciber who screams his way back into consciousness. Sirius grabs him by the front of his robes and yanks him up with a strength unbeknownst to James, "You fucking pig. I'm. Going. To. Kill. You," the hysteric rage seething from Sirius spurns something on in James, who finally turns his attention to Dolohov. As Sirius's fist crunches satisfyingly against Mulciber's nose, James's foot nails Dolohov straight in the groin. The pair of them continue on, ignoring Lily as she shouts for them to stop, that their violence isn't helping--

There's a shield between them all and the Slytherins a moment later as Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonogall, and Headmaster Dumbledore come swiftly into sight, a breathless and panting Peter behind them.

McGonogall's voice is shrill, "What is the meaning of this--Black? Potter! You're Head Boy, I would've expected--"

She is silenced at once, by the indescribable rage in the air and further silenced as Madam Pomfrey moves towards Lily who is still cradling a broken Renata. There is a second blow of magical rage around them, and James knows it's Dumbledore. Dumbledore who is surveying the scene without words, silently putting the pieces together. McGonogall realizes what's happened a beat after Dumbledore has and, in a moment of shock, her hand is over her mouth, trying to contain her horror. 

"Madam Pomfrey, if you would take Miss Lupin to the Hospital Wing. Professor McGonogall, if you would transport Mr. Mulciber and Mr. Dolohov to Professor Slughorn's office. I believe we must arrange transport to the Ministry pending their immediate expulsion from Hogwarts."

"The Ministry?" James blurts curiously.

"Legal charges," Lily whispers in his direction. 

Sirius feels sick. How could this have happened? He'd been with Renata here hours ago! 

_I left her here._

James had been right to be furious with him. He never should have left her. They'd talked about this after what had happened on the train. He should have known better! If he hadn't been so selfish, so stupid...none of this would have happened.

Madam Pomfrey has already led Renata away. McGonogall has bound and levitated the Slytherins ahead of her, taking little care to mind their heads against suits of armor or the castle wall.

"Would one of you care to explain what happened here?"

James opens his mouth to start but finds the words won't come. He feels sick. Horrified, even, that he and Lily had almost walked past the tapestry without a second thought because he was caught up  _flirting_ with her. He holds the back of his hand to his mouth like it might stave off the sudden urge he has to sick up all over the floor. When he opens his mouth again, Lily has rested a hand on his arms and speaks for him instead.

"We were just starting our rounds, Headmaster. As we passed the tapestry we heard a noise and...when we pulled it aside we saw them," she hesitates as her eyes flick to Sirius who is watching her so intensely she feels like she might shatter under his gaze, "He--Mulciber was on top of her and...Dolohov had her hands pinned above her head. He...Mulciber, he--" it was Lily's turn to falter.

"He raped her," James finished, his voice hardly louder than a whisper.

Dumbledore is quiet for a few moments, "Under the circumstances, I can understand why you, Mr. Black, Mr. Potter, found it...ah, necessary to subdue both boys," the look on Dumbledore's face tells Sirius that the Headmaster is well aware of what just transpired. It also tells Sirius that he doesn't much care what happened to the Slytherins at this point.

"Headmaster, what's going to happen?" Lily asks quietly, her voice sounds so fragile, James think she might start crying. He shares the sentiment. He can't imagine what Renata must be going through--what she must be thinking and feeling. He feels sick. Sick and angry. Sirius's silent rage concerns him. James hasn't seen Sirius like this since...well, the incident with Lennox, probably. But before then he'd only seen it when he'd been officially blown off the Black family tree and Regulus had walked past him during fifth year and acted as if he didn't exist.

"It will be up to Miss Lupin if she decides to press formal charges, but both will be expelled from Hogwarts and in Ministry custody effective immediately. Sexual assault is intolerable while I am Headmaster," Dumbledore surveys each of them carefully, "Miss Lupin will no doubt be in the Hospital Wing for the rest of the night. Why don't the four of you--" Sirius realizes then that Peter has been standing there the entire time, "--head back to Gryffindor tower. And mayhaps it would be best to keep this incident to yourselves until Miss Lupin makes her decisions."

"Of course, Headmaster," Lily agrees quietly before the Headmaster takes off in the direction of the Hospital Wing, where he no doubt means to stay as a support for Renata. The four of them are about to take the passageway up, but the moment they enter, Sirius's eyes fall on Renata's undergarments which had clearly been torn off and left behind, "Oh--" Lily whispers, her hand immediately gripping James's, who raises his wand arm and vanishes them.

 

 

Once the Marauders, minus Renata, are in their dorm, huddled on James’s bed with a privacy charm cast around them, Sirius knows he’s going to get an earful. He deserves it. He knows that.

”We said we’d keep an eye on her after the mess on the train. We all agreed it put a target on her back—“

”I know, Prongs—“

”So why in the fuck was she alone—missing, even?” James snaps, causing Sirius’s lip to curl defensively.

”And where were the pair of you when she showed up crying at the greenhouses?” He hissed back, concealing his guilt.

James and Peter’s eyebrows furrowed as they exchanged a look. Clearly they hadn’t had any idea either, “I’m not saying it’s your fault, Padfoot, I’m just saying we all have to be more diligent. I can’t imagine this will be the last time something awful happens,” James says quietly, clearly crestfallen.

”Not if I can help it,” Sirius muttered as a finality before he moved to his own four poster and drew the curtain tightly around for privacy. 

He’d already sent a letter to Regulus to request a meeting. When it came to his friends, his real family, he’d set aside their differences in order to get information. Sirius knew he couldn’t entirely trust Regulus, but he’d always been able to get a good read on him and it had become apparent that Reg, among other Slytherins, has been paying closer attention to Renata after the incident on the train—and he was going to find out if that was a direct order from someone, or if it just so happened that every darkly inclined Slytherin seemed to have taken intense interest in her.

They were set to meet around midnight, Regulus had prefect duty and Sirius would use the invisibility cloak.

He lay awake, ignoring James and Peter’s attempts to try and engage him in lighter conversation, ignoring them until they seemed to have fallen asleep. Sirius hadn’t told them his plan, as far as he was concerned, they didn’t need to know. It was his broth—Regulus. It was Regulus, the pair of them had never bothered with him before.

They met in an empty classroom, Sirius noted that his brother was a few minutes late, no doubt to spite him and prove that he was no longer worth of Pureblood posterity and punctuality. He was leaning most of his weight against the desk at the front of the room, doing his best not to acknowledge each second that ticked by. 

Regulus appeared soundlessly and shut the door behind him before he crossed the room and mirrored Sirius's position at the desk opposite him.

”You’re late,” Sirius pointed out deftly, because he knew that Regulus would want him to notice.

”You’re lucky I came at all. You’d be remiss to think you’re worth my time,” Regulus is cold, cold and trying so hard to be careless, but Sirius can see that look in his eyes. He still holds it against him for leaving. For not conforming and letting the burden of their parents fall on him alone.

”Let me get to the point then,” Sirius says, refusing to engage in the back and forth hatred between them, “I’ve seen you lot, following her, watching her. It ends now, Regulus.”

”Hm. Watching who?”

”Don’t toy with me, you know who. You’re lucky Mulciber and Dolohov aren’t dead for what they did tonight,” his voice is slightly raised, and so venomous he knows he sounds something like Orion, but he can’t let himself think like that or it will make him worse, “I don’t know who told you to keep an eye on her, but if it doesn’t stop, you’ll all be very sorry.”

”Is that a threat, brother?”

They both freeze at Regulus’s words, the other realizes he’s misspoken, but Sirius grants him a courtesy and doesn’t address it. They aren’t brothers anymore, “It’s a promise, Regulus. Leave Renata alone.”

”I was wondering when it would happen,” Regulus sighs, his mannerisms are mocking and Sirius can’t help but take the bait.

”When what would happen?”

”When you’d finally realize you’re falling for the half-breed.”

”What did you just say?”

”You’re falling for the halfblood.”

”I don’t know what you think you know, Regulus, but you're going to want to be very careful how you speak about her. I’ve said my piece.”

Sirius walks away from him at that, but as he passes Regulus grips his arm and Sirius jerks away from him as if he’s been burnt, “Fenrir Greyback has taken an interest. No, an obsession. You’re going to want to be careful.”

”Is that a threat?”

”No. It’s a warning.”

And it’s Regulus’s turn to leave him then, Sirius doesn’t stop him. This is over, they both know it is. 

As he makes his way back to Gryffindor tower, he can’t help but think of the warning in Regulus's eyes. Something terrible is coming, he can feel it, he knows Regulus must know something he cannot share.

But in his own way he had just tried to help and Sirius wonders painfully if there’s still hope yet for his brother.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your patience and feedback! I hope this chapter provides some sweet relief towards the end (there is, of course, always excessive angst at the beginning).

Renata had always found comfort in the Hospital Wing. It was, after all, her safe haven following the Full. Madam Pomfrey’s incessant fretting and worrying always makes her feel taken care of. Warm. Despite the lingering aches and pains of turning into a monster, she usually felt whole when the matron helped her gingerly into bed.

Now? Now she feels like she’s still a monster. Crawling in her own skin.

Pomfrey had done her diagnostic spells, and Renata barely heard her when she gently told her that all the evidence of what had happened would be preserved and locked up until she made her decision about what should happen to...her attackers. Ren refused to give them a name anymore. Saying their names, acknowledging that they were her classmates brought the image of them to the forefront in her mind, and she knows if she see’s their faces and lumbering frames she’ll spiral into her own memories when all she wants is to forget.

Ren had spent an hour in the shower under boiling water after Madam Pomfrey’s tests—her skin was red hot and raw by the time Madam Pomfrey coaxed her out of the shower and wrapped her in a robe she’d conjured after performing a quick drying spell. Pomfrey had given her a potion for the pain because even walking sent sharp jolts up her spine and through her core. She felt like they’d broken something inside her. And they had. They’d stolen something from her, they’d taken her choice. Her ability to decide for herself. She wasn’t—they’d torn her virginity from her. The last time she’d felt so betrayed by her own body had been when she’d been turned into a werewolf.

The dreamless sleep Pomfrey had given her had taken care of her nightmares, but she found the next morning that being awake was worse than any nightmare could have been—at least she could wake up from a nightmare. All she could do today was lie there and stare up at the ceiling, watch as the sun cut through stained glass windows to decorate the floor. When Madam Pomfrey has come to check on her and asked how she was feeling, Renata did her best to claim she was fine and tried a weak smile but as soon as that happened, her eyes well with tears and she buries her face in her hands.

”Oh, sweet girl—“ Poppy whispers gently and reaches for her slowly with kind hands to smooth her hair gently behind her ear, “You don’t have to be so strong, Renata, we’ll take care of you, just rest love,” as stern as Madam Pomfrey could be, she had motherly warmth inside her, too, “The elves have sent a bit of breakfast for you, it would do you well to try and eat something before you take another pain reliever.”

Renata nods in understanding but waits for the nurse to leave before she downs the potion immediately and shoves the breakfast tray away out of spite. She’s not hungry, though her stomach rumbles. She can’t be hungry—she can feel their paws on her, grabbing her hips, her breasts—she had too much flesh, and they’d taken advantage of it all. If there was less of her, perhaps...

She shakes the thought and refuses to slow herself to be so stupid. If she doesn’t eat the potion will make her sick and won’t do much to help the pain. Begrudgingly, she pulls her tray back towards herself and does her best to eat her toast. Manages a bit of mango too before giving up. Her tray is barely touched but she tried, and that’s all she’s willing to do at this point. 

It’s somewhere in the realm of 12 o’clock, she imagines, as Madam Pomfrey sets out a new tray of food for her and frowns at the barely picked at breakfast she has to take away, “Come now,” she says gently as the mornings tray is vanished, “Try for a little more this time—or...” Madam Pomfrey starts, as if surprised she hadn’t thought of it before, and leaves, only to return a moment later, “Chocolate!” That worked for her often, and though she was sure it ought to be a more mental game than anything, Renata found herself smiling and accepting the candy bar from her.

She isn’t sure how much time has passed, be it an hour or ten minutes, Madam Pomfrey is checking on her again, “Your friends have been camped outside since seven this morning. They want to see you but I can tell them to go—“

”It’s alright, Madam Pomfrey, they’ll only get worse if I don’t see them,” she says with a sigh which earns her a sympathetic look that she wishes she could forget.

James and Lily are the first to walk in, Lily tries to smile but crumbles when she properly sees Renata. Ren knows she looks like a mess, the bruise salve hasn’t quite sunk in, her eyes are rimmed red and dark circles seem permanently etched beneath them. Renata turns her head to avoid looking at them. She doesn’t want to see the pitying look in their eyes, nor does she want them to see her like this, but if she’d turned them away it would have made things worse.

”Moony, how are you?” James speaks first, his voice strong but his smile weak. She can see him trying his best to ignore the collar of bruises around her throat and the shiner on her cheek.

”As good as can be expected, I guess,” she tries for jovial, tries to hide just how much she’s suffering. With them there it’s easier, she has to be strong for them. It was like before they knew she was a werewolf. The struggles, the aches and pains—and then it was like the after when she had to pretend it wasn’t as excruciating as it actually was.

Lily perches herself at the foot of her bed while Peter sits in the chair beside her, James stands, ever vigilant. The only one missing was—“Where’s Padfoot?” Of them all, she desperately wanted to see him, to see if he was angry with her for having been so stupid, for pushing him away and staying in the passage on her own. And she wanted to make sure he knew it wasn’t his fault, he never could have known.

James and Peter exchanged a look, it was Peter who chose to answer, “He’s in detention. Er—“

”What did he do?” Renata asked them bluntly, looking back and forth between Lily, James, and Peter.

”Oh, Ren, I’m so sorry—" Lily blurts, her hand covering her face as if that will make her outburst any kinder.

”Tell me.”

”The board of governers said that...until there’s a hearing and both Mulciber and Dolohov are proven guilty they can’t be expelled,” Lily’s voice is so quiet, Ren barely hears her, but they all see the flinch as Lily speaks their names, “Dumbledore tried to have them suspended, but their parents threatened action and the Ministry won’t allow it. When Sirius found out he--” the rest of Lily's words are lost to the sudden noise in her ears.

Renata realizes it then. She doesn't know how she could have been so stupid. Stupid to think that what had happened to her would divulge actual consequences. 

She was a bloody werewolf and the Ministry was aware of this, if two affluent Pureblood families wanted to dig up dirt and find a reason for her claims to be refuted or doubted—she’d never win. Not as a werewolf. There was nothing that could be done. No one would care what had happened to her once what she was was splashed across every front page. And that would certainly happen, both Mulciber and Dolohov had fathers that worked at the ministry. But there purity, influence, and affluence went so much farther than that. And, if the rumors were true--their affiliation with the Dark Lord would have the Ministry quaking in its boots. If she pressed charges, if she took this any further and sought consequence, the Ministry would be able to stop their families from exposing the truth about her. She'd no doubt be kicked out of Hogwarts once backlash from other parents came around.

She would be blacklisted. 

Renata barely has time to throw the covers off of herself. She's going to be sick and she knows it. She drops to her knees hard and heaves over the toilet bowl, emptying the meager contents of her stomach without a second thought. 

She wipes her hand grossly across her mouth and drops back against the cool tile floor, chest heaving with panic and exertion. She barely registers Lily dropping to her knees next to her. She can't hear Lily saying her name or telling her to take a deep breath, she can't hear anything anymore--all she can hear is his heavy breathing, all she can feel is where their hands groped her--

"They're going to--they'll tell--I--" she's gasping the words, a hand to her chest, "I can't--breathe--" she feels a sob escape her throat and feels Lily pulling her to her chest but she can't stand to be touched so she shoves the redhead away sharply. Then James is there, helping Lily up as he tries to step in and take over. None of it's working, they aren't her friends, not in this moment, they've become everything but--"Get away from me!" She hisses sharply as another pair of hands tries to stroke her back, only to pull away as if burnt.

Someone's calling out for Madam Pomfrey who somehow manages to subdue her long enough to give her a potion. Slowly, her breathing becomes even. Her panic ebbs away as a heavy drowsiness settles in, and someone helps her back into bed where she closes her eyes. Her breaths are deep and measured. Before long she falls asleep.

 

 

When she wakes again, she's alone. The Hospital Wing is dark, but all she can feel is the sense that she's being watched.

"Moony, it's me," Sirius's voice comes out of nowhere and she almost yelps, but he pulls the cloak over his head before she can and, seeing his face, it calms her, "You're alright, you're okay, I'm here. It's just us--"

"Padfoot--" she breathes, her voice tearful and ashamed. She tries to cover her face with her hands but he holds out on of his own and, tenderly, she accepts with a nod. He takes her hand then and holds it tight. His grip is warm and heavy. It's comforting. He's returning her grip as tightly as only she allows, giving her control over the situation without her even realizing, "You got in trouble for me."

"No. Please. I'm doing homework with Hagrid. McGonogall and Dumbledore essentially told me they don't give a fuck," he waves off her concern but she can see his eyes drop unintentionally over her injuries.

"I'm sorry--"

"Don't. Ren. Don't you dare. You've nothing to apologize for."

"What did you do to them?"

"I tried to kill them at breakfast."

He says it’s so casually that she believes him. 

“What d’you—in front of everyone?”

”Shite, Moony, it was bad. Hit them both with a boil blooming hex...someone disarmed me after that so er...well, a good strangle—“

”Sirius!”

He smiles softly and gives her hand a squeeze, “I have many regrets, Ren, what I did today isn't one of them.” There’s something soft and fragile in his eyes and she knows in that moment he’s thinking about what happened in fifth year.

She smiles through tears and shakes her head, “I’m scared, Sirius. They—“ she takes a deep breath to calm herself, “They’re going to get away with it. I—the Ministry isn’t going to do anything because I’m a werewolf,” not for the first time that day, Renata wondered if she deserved this.

“Don’t do that, Moony.”

”What?”

”You didn’t deserve this. No one does, especially not you,” he gives her hand a squeeze and moves his thumb over the back of it. They sit like that quietly for a while.

When they wake in the morning, Sirius is hunched over with his head resting on her bed. Madam Pomfrey is bustling about and doesn’t say a word as she sets her potions down, and a minty-green Pepper-up for Sirius.

 

She’s released from the hospital wing that night in time for dinner. She’s supposed to meet with the Headmaster and Professor McGonogall after.

Her escort consists of all the 7th year Gryffindors, Dorcas, and Mary. It’s all very touching but just as they reach the doors to the Great Hall, Renata freezes. She can’t do this, no matter the amount of support she has behind her.

”Renny?” Lily starts softly and places a hand on her arm which causes her to flinch and shake her head. 

“I don’t think I can do this, I—“ she can’t say anything else as her chest feels tight enough to constrict a boa constrictor and on top of that it she feels like she’s caving in on herself. Her breaths are shallow and too quick to catch. She doesn't realize it, but her hand has flown to her chest and she's looking wildly for an escape.

Sirius is there, and his presence is so calm and easy that she takes his extended hand gratefully, without another word he leads her away. James and Peter follow. She isn’t sure where they’re all going until Sirius is tickling the pear to the kitchens and let’s her head inside first, “Don’t see why we can’t eat here today,” he shrugs, though there’s a finality in his tone that begs someone to tell them no.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off of her chest as she sits and the house elves bustle about to set the up with an array of comfort food. She thanks them gently and almost smiles when Inksy, a favorite of hers, squeaks delightfully in response before hurrying away. She drops her chin and eyes her plate, too full of carbs and rashers, she can feel the grease in her throat and nearly empties her empty stomach in front of them. 

Subtly, she pushes her plate away in exchange for an apple and spends far too much time polishing it on her robes before she takes a tiny bite. The resounding crunch causes her to look up, and she finds that they’re all staring at her, “What?”

”Nothing,” James says quickly and drops his eyes with a nudge at Peter. Sirius is the only one who doesn’t look away from her with guilt.

”I’m not fragile glass, don’t look at me like that," she snaps, perhaps a bit too harsh. She gives up on the apple and pushes back from the table with a sigh and a hand pulling harshly through her hair, "I'm going to see the Headmaster, I've lost my appetite."

"What appetite? You’ve barely eaten in two days, Renata. This is bullshit, you're not leaving until you eat something substantial," Sirius tells her, or rather, demands. She visibly bristles and catches James and Peter exchanging a worried glance. When Sirius and Renata came to blows the aftermath was brutal. Either she gave him the cold shoulder for weeks with the occasional passive aggressive barb, or they cut each other down with terribly eloquent insight into the more negative and intricate aspects of their personalities. Sirius's hot temper and self-entitled arrogance, Renata's stubbornness and the chip on her shoulder that stemmed from lycanthropy.

"Don't tell me what I am or am not going to do, _Black_ ," Renny hisses--and she knows she's out of line, her reaction too strong, her subtle jibe cruel and unwarranted--Sirius is only trying to look out for her. But after what she'd been through, her choice taken from her, her free will stolen...she'd be damned if she let someone tell her what to do.

"Ah, yes, _typical_ Moony--self-destruct to cope with what happened to you. Self-destruct because somehow, somewhere, you're trying to convince yourself that you deserve it?" 

Renata reels away as if Sirius had slapped her instead if just saying the very thing she'd been thinking since everything had happened.

"Sirius, stop--" James cuts in, standing and reaching to put a hand on his shoulder. Sirius shoves him off.

"No, I won't--that's what she's doing, we all know it. Get scary skinny like in fifth year, walk around like a zombie, shut us all out like she tried to in second year. I'm not going to just let it happen. You didn't deserve to be raped, Ren, I'm not going to let you punish yourself for it--" 

Her palm is stinging before she can even register what she's done. Sirius is staring at her still and he's the only one that doesn't look shocked that Renata slapped him, he's got a deprecating smirk on his face and he rubs his jaw with a laugh, "Feels good, doesn't it? To be angry instead of--"

"Shut up, Sirius. I mean it, shut your mouth. You don't get to _tell me_ or _make me_ feel any way about this-- _you_ don't get to talk about it so callously, you don't get to _say_ what they did. I was there, I fucking know what happened," she has tears in her eyes and he reaches for her but she slaps his hand away and rears off to storm out of the kitchens, "Don't follow me," even though the last thing she wants right now is to be alone, she does it anyway to spite him. She takes about seven steps away from the kitchen before she's bent double, struggling to catch her breath and clear the tears from her eyes. 

That's when she hears them.

And she realizes, stupidly, that she chose quite possibly the worst place to tell her friends to leave her  _alone,_ as the kitchen is located in the dungeons, and so is the Slytherin Common Room. Her first instinct is to hide, but that's what got her into this mess in the first place. Instead she takes off, towards the entrance hall, but not before they see her, "Look who it is!" It's Mulciber and his voice cuts through her like a knife, she ignores it and picks up the pace, "Oh, don't be like that, we just wanted to have a little fun!" She hears their footsteps moving quicker, as if they're chasing her. They catch up to her and she feels one of their slimy hands around her wrist, "What, you thought you could actually come out on top of this? Get us expelled?" She struggles and tries to rip her arm from Mulciber's grasp. He laughs at her.

"Get off of me--"

As soon as she says it, Mulciber and Dolohov are blown backwards, and Lennox is there to pull her away from them. She doesn't even know where he's taking her until they're outside Dumbledore's office, "Hey, hey, it's okay, Ren, it's alright. I'll tell the Headmaster what happened, he'll take care of it, somehow," Lenny pulls her into his arms and she lets him. She cries against his chest and he smooths her hair with his left hand, while his right holds her close.

"You don't understand, it doesn't  _matter_ what I say or who we report anything to. I'm a werewolf--their fathers work for the Ministry and have more pocket change than my family has in savings. They'd find out about me, they'd out me to the world, the board would have me kicked out, Dumbledore's decision to let me into school would be questioned--there's nothing to do. I just...I have to live with it and move on--"

"Then I'll protect you," Lennox tells her earnestly, his hands cupping her cheeks, his eyes boring into her own. She's disgusted with herself for thinking it, but all she wants is for him to kiss her. She tilts her chin upwards, as if to give him permission--but he simply smiles, smooths a thumb over her lips, and shakes his head, "No, Renata, not like this. Come on, Dumbledore is--"

"Right here, Mr. Edgecombe."

They both start and look up at the Headmaster and Professor McGonogall, standing their with a twinkle in his eyes and a pinched look on her face, respectively.

"In light of recent events, Mr. Edgecombe, we'll let the incident slide," Professor McGonogall dismisses curtly. Lennox stands, gives Renata's hand a squeeze and turns to walk away, "10 points to Ravenclaw," McGonogall adds quietly, her voice just barely carrying down the hall to Lennox, who stops in shock, but understands the subtly of her reward and continues on without a look back in their direction.

Renata herself is still in shock; she feels like she might be sick.

After everything, everything that had happened to her--between both Lennox, Mulciber, and Dolohov--how could she have felt the urge, rather, the desire to be kissed? She was losing it. She must have been. Vulnerable and all that--sexually acting out, trying to re-build her own sense of control, or something. Right? 

"Miss Lupin? Can you hear me?" Professor Dumbledore is standing close to her, but not too close, one arm is outstretched, as if to reach for her and grab her attention. It takes her a moment, but Professor McGonogall's concerned look lets her know that this isn't the first time Dumbledore had tried to gain her attention.

"I'm sorry, I was just--"

"No need, child, come," he gives the password to the gargoyle who leaps aside to allow them into the passage. When they step foot in Dumbledore's office, his Phoenix lands on the arm of the chair she chooses to sit in and dips his head, as if asking to be pet. She obliges with a smile that surprises even herself, "Fawkes can tell when you need a friend," he says softly as McGonogall sits beside her and he takes the seat behind his desk, fingers bridged before his mouth, his nose.

Renata doesn't say anything, she just waits. She isn't sure what there is to say.

"We've taken the liberty of switching class schedule's. Gryffindor's will have classes with Hufflepuff's. Any more advanced classes we've arranged for you to take privately. All professor's have been alerted that if either Mr. Mulciber or Mr. Dolohov step even the slightest bit in your direction or behave in any manner deemed inappropriate, they are to be brought to me immediately.”

"Thank you, Headmaster," and she means it, she does. She knows he's doing his best, no matter how bent this situation was, Dumbledore was still trying to help her, despite the potential consequences he could face, "I was thinking it might be best if I just--"

"Miss Lupin, you belong at Hogwarts as much as, if not more than any other student I've ever met. I apologize for letting you down--"

"Letting me down? Headmaster, you can't be serious--"

"Alas, I am. In my own school, I failed to protect a student who has placed her utmost trust in me."

"That's not--no, I--if I tried to do anything about it, everyone would now about me. You'd be in trouble--"

"I would sacrifice my position at Hogwarts if it meant justice for you, Miss Lupin, please do not make your decision on my account."

"The Headmaster has made it clear to the entire teaching staff as well as the school board that if you so wish to pursue charges, he would gladly step down to help represent your case in front of the Wizengamot," Professor McGonogall informs gently, causing Renata to look at her with eyes wide in alarm.

"You can't! Hogwarts needs you!"

"Alas, I have already failed Hogwarts. I want you to know that it is an option, Miss Lupin. Those boys deserve punishment in accordance to the full extent of the law. I want you to feel safe here. Safe in knowing that if you want justice, I will help you obtain it. Gladly so," Dumbledore insistss to Renata's absolute shock. She expected a different conversation. More of a 'we can't do anything, so just keep your head down'--this was...terrifying. Incredible, but terrifyingly so.

She shakes her head and gives Fawkes another stroke, "I--thank you, Headmaster. Professor. I...don't think I want to pursue this any further. It'll cause more trouble then I'm ready to handle, I think."

The Headmaster nods solemnly, she can tell he hoped she would agree to let him take them down.

"On another note, Miss Lupin--as you're seventeen, we did not tell your parents what happened. That decision is up to you and you alone, however, I would suggest, so as not to feel so alone upon returning home--"

"No. Absolutely not. They can't know," if Hope and Lyall knew what had happened to her they'd pull her from school immediately. Lyall would undoubtedly go after Mulciber and Dolohov, her mother would cry as much as she had when she'd first been bitten--she couldn't do that to them. Panic flooded her chest and she felt the tears spring to her eyes, "Please, please--don't tell them, we can't--"

"Renata, we won't. We won't. It's your choice, just breathe," McGonogall tells her gently and summons a calming draught from somewhere in the room. She drinks it greedily and revels in the way warmth settles over her.

"I'm just exhausted. I think I'd like to go back to the Common Room, please," she hates how her voice trembles, how her begging sounds so pathetic. But Dumbledore says nothing and simply gestures towards his fireplace.

"Take the floo, being Headmaster has its perks," he adds with a gleam in his eyes as she looks bewildered. Renata nods gratefully and, before they can try and prolong this conversation she steps through bright green flames and pretends they're swallowing her up entirely.

When she steps out into the Common Room she realizes she's been holding her breath, praying to the god her mother believed in that she was alone. She breathes once she realizes she is. No one else it there to watch her crumble. No one is there to catch her as she falls to her knees, heavy sobs heaving through her chest, and she is so, so grateful for it.

When she gathers herself, she realizes dinner must just be ending. She doesn't want to be in her four poster, not when Lily and Marlene will be poking around, asking if she's alright or if they can get her anything. Quickly, she darts up to the boys dormitory and steals James's invisibility cloak. Without hesitation, she throws it on instantly.

As she's heading back down the stairs towards the Common Room, she can hear them all. First years, second years--they're gossiping. Assuming what happened to her. Making up stories from the rumors they'd heard. She feels utterly sick.

But even sicker still as her friends pile into the Common Room, trying to coordinate a plan to find her. She curses herself, regretting the fact that she didn't steal the map as well. 

There's only one place she knows she can go, one place where no one will be able to just walk to meet her.

She makes her way to the very place that haunts her dreams. The only safe haven she has during the Full.

 

Instead of using her wand, she aims hard and true with a large stone at the knot on the Whomping Willow's trunk. She hits it her first try and invisibly makes her way inside. Though she doesn't need the cloak anymore, she throws it over her shoulder--she'd never forgive herself if she left it and lost it. James would say he didn't care but she'd know it was a lie. 

She knows they'll find her eventually. Once they don't see her on the map they'll put two and two together. Without the cloak, though, it'd be a bit harder for them to get here. Might be they'd send Peter, he could transform the smallest...be the least like to get spotted. Knowing James and Sirius, however, a marauder in need calls for the cavalry. Though she wasn't so sure if these circumstances called for a different sort of approach. Merlin, what in all fucks was she supposed to do? She climbed the steps to the room she'd claimed as her own. Dumbledore had cleaned it up--not that it mattered. Once she turned, the entire house was fair game. Though she did try and repair everything the morning after, she'd long since realized that she wasn't ever going to be able to have nice things.

Renata flounced on her makeshift bed, tears in her eyes. She didn't know how to handle something like this. Handling the fact that she was a werewolf was easy. It was familiar. She could pretend to be okay. Everyone close enough to her to realize she had been hiding something knew that she had a rule. Pretend like nothing is wrong. Nothing changes. Even if she's sore and aching and can't lift her bag over her shoulder--notice nothing. But this? Being raped? It was an entirely different field, and yet--she still didn't want to be responsible for dealing with it.

She heard creaking floors below and geared herself for Peter's awkward bumbling.

But it wasn't Peter who knocked and poked his head through the door, it was Sirius.

"Wasn't expecting you," she admitted gently, sitting up from her spot on the bed, scratching at her arm in a spot that hadn't even been itchy.

"Pete would've come but, well, I wanted to see you more," Sirius admitted softly, closing the door behind him and tentatively perching on the bed in a spot so far away from her she might've laughed. 

"I'm not afraid of you, Sirius, come on," she gestured for him to lay with her, though she stayed seated, cross-legged as he sprawled out, "I'm sorry for how I acted earlier, it was...childish."

"No, Moony, stop. I'm sorry--I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I should know better--"

"A truce then, yeah?"

Sirius hesitated, but when his eyes finally met hers, he smiled, "Truce."

She shifted, slowly, softly, and moved until she was parallel to him. She dropped her head on his shoulder and sighed, "It...it's hard. I don't want to deal with it," Sirius said nothing in response, something she was grateful for. He reached blindly for her hand and held tight to it, or maybe it was she who held tight to him.

”I’ll kill them. Maybe not now but...after school. We both know what side they’ll be on. I’ll make them pay for this.”

His voice was deadly. Promising. She knew he would kill them and be able to say he had more than one reason to, “I don’t want you to kill anyone, Padfoot. Azkaban would suffice.”

Sirius grumbled a response but she didn’t hear him—before long they fell asleep and when she woke in the morning she was pleased to realize she hadn’t had a single dream, and Sirius’s arms were wrapped tight around her.


End file.
